Just Won't

For.Evah

2012-01-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been long.

Good things:.

As far as I know, I'm healthy.
I have a job.
I have a boyfriend (yes a living, breathing one).
I have paid off ALL of my credit card bills.
The wicked witch is dead.

How are all of you? I have missed the internets.

"Nothing has fallen off or apart. . and it's forty years old?"

~Zb

I HATE runners!

2010-11-22T15:54:00.000-05:00

Such a strong word, but it's true.

Self entitled fucks!

Really, I'm NOT proud of you. Walk faster dammit!

I missing something

2010-10-03T20:29:00.001-04:00

The parental units just left. They're oh so cute. I'm exhausted from cleaning the house, keeping the dogs in line, and just basic hosting duties. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the visit; now I feel like I have to rush to finish all the normal weekend chores (yes, chores) that I typically do. Bleh, why should I care.

I did manage to find a new job. I'm a bit nervous and the negotiations were brutal. In the end, it's come down to a typo and Im' having to point that issue out to the HR Representative. I think it's gonna get even more sticky. Also, I'm kinda rusty with my skills. Not sure if the skills are still there and I'm ready to be very "formal" in their using.

The ex-BF and I have decided to try and date again. I was very gung ho about it from the beginning, and then I get what I want, and now I'm not so sure.

~Zb, the fickle bitch

Tired of listening to me &you, Oh, and you're not wrong.

2010-09-14T23:49:00.001-04:00

Why do women in their 30's get all squishy and stupid?

It happens, I promise.

Always including myself and think I'm funny about it,

~Zb

New endeavours

2010-09-13T23:22:00.001-04:00

Who the fuck invented exercise? I want to find this sadist and hurt them. (wait..something about enjoyment here. . .) I know I'm supposed to exercise to stay healthy and attractive, but geez, really, it stinks. Attempting to get back in the swing of exercise and eating right, after some minor surgery and being an all around lazy butt for three months, sucks balls!

That's all I'm gonna say about that.

I was chatting up a casual acquaintance today (a female) and the chat subject ended in us agreeing to meet out one night for a drink. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but, as I was leaving the building, I realized it sounded like I was asking this girl out. Now Zb, being female, kinda felt strange about the whole outcome/ feeling about the direction the conversation went. As I started up my car to leave, I felt as if I needed to establish that I wasn't asking this girl out. "How to do this?" I thought . . . yet, I drove away.

Guess I'm going to make plans to meet. The sad part about this . . .is that I'm so desperate to meet a new hang out girl pal, that I don't care if she gets the wrong idea.

Updated my resume today. Let the job hunting commence. SIGH

I've been viewing my blog stats.. .. Hello to all you canadian lurkers.

Engrish sometimes,

~Zb

da Mood

2010-09-08T23:58:00.001-04:00

Just got back from a short 3 day VayKay. Exhausting and not my choice of travel mates, probably wouldn't do it again. But in all things..it was fun.

Since I got back from VayKay, I've been in sort of a "mood." I can't put my finger on a reason. I just know I feel strange. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. I did just have some surgery recently, maybe I'm just getting out the anesthesia. I'm gaining weight by the week, dateless, poor, and having second thoughts about my job.

I've seriously started looking for a new job. For the first time in my life, I'm not sure if I want to stay or go. Although, I may not have a choice because of this difficult woman I work with. She is a control junkie and I'm tired of dealing with it. I try not to obsess over her hurtful words, but it is difficult sometimes. With this "mood," it's almost impossible not to over think things.

I'm don't think I am depressed, I just think things are in flux and I don't know how to deal with it.

A good way to deal with it stress would be to have some sex. And dammit! there is nothing in the works to find a partner.

Looking forward to hanging out with some friends soon. As I've noted throughout this blog, I'm going to force myself to be a social butterfly. Two reasons: networking for a job and hopefully to meet someone new.

I have my fingers crossed (because I think that's all I can do at this point) for some good karma.

Patience -- I has it.

Back to working out like a dog and eating like a bird. Fun! <>

Kissing the opal,

~Zb

We're All Whores

2010-08-11T23:26:00.000-04:00

Keep thinking of hot guy at work that's a whore. Could have done it. Glad I didn't.

Oh but I wanted/ want to NOW.

Nuthin'

2010-08-03T19:08:00.000-04:00

I wanna take life for granted.

Oh, and my boobs are sore today.

Go get 'em!

~Zb

Not Feeling As Fucking Fabulous

2010-08-01T14:00:00.002-04:00

"Fucking
Fabulous, Bitches!"

A lot has been going on in the last seven or eight months. My airlines miles are adding up, my mental stability is questionable, I have met my $5000 deductible for my health insurance, my roommate is 5 months behind in rent, and I'm paying for psychotherapy to learn how to keep my composure in public and not break down in tears. Suffer silently, HA! Who knew I had it in me?

Let's see. . .what else?

Trouble Girl and I have not spoken in three months. She decided to try and get all Muhammad Ali on my butt. It was kinda funny. I outweigh her by about 50 pounds and I have 8 or 9 more years of personal drinking management. Boobs were flying, furniture moving, and some hair pullin'. There are times when I wish I could replay things in slo-mo; it would have been fodder for "World's dumbest" or "America's funniest."

So I'm officially OLD. Which, I guess, because people feed me that bullshit of: "You're only as old as you feel", they must think I feel young. Well bitches, I FEEL OLD. Shut your piehole and let me have my crisis.

How have y'all been?

Tell me something to make me laugh. It will always get better. I promise. Promise, m'kay.

Blue skies and Tangerine Dreams to you.

~Zb

Orange Jello

2009-12-27T19:46:00.004-05:00

Wow. I have changed my mind about orange jello. As as kid, I used to love the stuff. As an adult, I don't partake in much jello. However, if I felt kinda fruity, I've been known to make the orange kind once every few years. I'm so over that now.

Mom keeps puking up the orange jello they are serving her in the hospital. I wish they'd switch to lemon or cherry or something other than orange.

Yep, we went to the emergency room last night around 8:30. We waited three hours to be seen and she was immediately admitted with critically low potassium levels. I know this sounds horrible, but I'm glad to have her admitted in the hospital. This way, I know she's in good hands and the vomit/ shit cleaning was getting exhausting. I was slowly running out of steam. I would have had to have help.

Mom is having more tests. Another CT scan and x/ray. She was vomiting blood.

Getting used to sleeping in the hospital chairs. Actually they're quite comfy.

This whole situation is making me feel alone. Thank god my mom had children.

I still need to get laid. Her doctor is kinda cute. . . but wait, no, he assumed I was my mom's SISTER today. OMFG.

Gotta laugh at something.

~Zb

Ye (not so) faithful

2009-12-24T21:30:00.004-05:00

I knew the day would come. I just didn't think I'd be as unprepared as I am. My mother is sick. Reality hits me: actually, my mother is dying. As I sit in her living room Christmas Eve and listen to her moan, I'm starting to attempt to put a name on the bazillions of emotions that have gone through my head in the last 3 weeks.

I haven't had contact with my mother in 15 years. . .

Now I'm in the Mid-West cleaning up shit, vomit, living in her darkened house, and sleeping on a couch missing two cushions.

I'd do this for a friend. I'd do this for my pets. I'm doing it for my mother.

In the past 15 years, my mother has changed. Oh, she is still the same woman, but she has lifestyle changes that I'm attempting to come to terms with.

How did the woman who raised me; the one who taught me to be so independent and strong, turn into a hoarder, that lives unsanitary conditions?

How could this woman, the one who dragged me, as a kid, kicking and screaming to a dentist's/ doctor's office every 6 months, ignore the obvious lumps on her body?

When did this woman, the one who loved Christmas, the one who over-decorated our house every year, start cussing at Salvation Army representatives and threaten Christmas carolers?

Mental illness is my only answer. I'm not sure if I'm correct. I've thought it and requested she get help for YEARS. But now it comes to this. As of now, it's all past history and I'm here.

It's the first Christmas Eve I've spent with my mother in 15 years.

I want to be here.

Take note and be blessed with what you've got,
Merry Christmas Ya'll.

~Zb

Metastatic Days

2009-12-04T00:34:00.003-05:00

The Holiday's are always a strain on a single girl. This year, so far, has been especially hard.

Is it too much to ask for no drama and SIMPLE, good food?

Yes, I think it is.

I'm gonna report back when I have better ~Zb news.

~mwaahhh xoxoxox

The sun shines peculiarly some days

2009-11-15T13:47:00.007-05:00

I believe I'm a pretty good person. Conceited, yes, but still a good person.

I realize that I pretty much roll with whatever is thrown at me and, in general, don't get pissed at passive aggressiveness in others. I just have to laugh at passive aggressiveness. Why, oh why is it so difficult to speak your issues, in a nice way to the person that is aggravating you? I think it has something to do with "politeness," but it also has something to do with being wimpy and worrying that the other person is not going to understand if you voice your cares out loud. I dunno, it's so silly.

I have flaws. I have fears. I do certain things just because they're the way I've always done them. That doesn't mean that I can't change my way of thinking to calm other people's irrational fears, concerns, likes/ dislikes of others.

I recently went out of town for the weekend with two ladies that, unbeknownst to them, until travelling together, were incompatible travel mates. It was interesting to say the least.

After playing the continual role of peace maker, I realized that bottomless drinks (I love other State's liquor laws that are so much more lax), beautiful weather, interesting sights and the opportunity to absorb new food and culture are the ingredients for a great weekend. Although, I had to overlook the pettiness of these two women, the weekend was exciting and fun. I can't wait to go back.

I need better travelling companions.

Work has been stressful lately, but I'm looking forward to the overtime pay. It will be much needed for the Holiday Season. My sense of self control and any sort of thriftiness has gone out the window. I've bought more clothes, in the last month, than I did all year, last year. On top of that, my roommate is 2.5 months behind on his rent. Fucker...it's time for him to go. It's kind sad; he has been a good roommate until now.

I've been keeping Cougar Bait around as a weekly reminder of why it's good to be single. What a pleasant, screaming reminder that is. sigh

Thought for the day: Why are people scared to be alone? Or go places by their lonesome?

Wishing you bottomless dreams.
~Zb

p.s. Raking leaves is the worst part of home ownership.

Goings On

2009-10-28T20:25:00.005-04:00

I've spent all day typing up project requirements. Kinda blows, and I'm behind schedule. Yup, I'm actually doing real work.

Home life is somewhat returning to normal and, I guess, that is somewhat good. I've been a good girl and saved some money all the while maintaining this "get out there" and date social butterfly image. Yay me!

I have a date tomorrow with my ex-boyfriend and then I have NSA sex date on Friday with with Cougar Bait. I'm somewhat non plussed for either date. Sad, huh?

I get what I ask for and then I'm not excited about it. I think I'd rather stay home and get some quality sleep. I'm exhausted.

Halloween, my favorite holiday, has not been in my thoughts lately. I cannot come up with a good costume idea. I've thought about it periodically for about a month or so; still no ideas. Drat! Now I'll have to recycle another year's costume.

The girls and I are supposed to go out and hit the town. I have been so busy at work, I haven't had time to check what is going down on Halloween night. Any Richmonder's with suggestions?

Roommate one month behind on rent. Ugh. Thank goodness I've been saving money.

Cheers,

~Zb

shame on me

2009-10-05T18:39:00.005-04:00

I did it. I went hunting. And oh boy did I find myself some bait. Cougar bait, that is.

Why oh why did I do this? I had to try what everyone else was talking about. Ladies, trust me, the sex will blow your mind for about a month and then you'll realize again why it's good to be single.

I forgot how exhausting dating during my 20's was. Never, never again.

Okay maybe once or twice.

~Zb

Geriatric Hormones & Chubby Nerds Rule!

2009-08-20T18:32:00.005-04:00

The other day I was visiting my parental units' and they were having a half-assed argument. They sounded like teenagers. I'm sure the subject was different but the way the argument was progressing sounded just like hormone-fueled, teenage love spats.

"I'm gonna wheel you and your wheelchair out on the porch and leave you there for a few days." Might be good fight fodder for teenagers. Or better yet, "I'll leave you outside and not empty your colostomy bag for DAYS" could be the new "I'll tie you up naked and drive you crazy" kinda talk.

By the end of the day, I caught myself saying things like "would you stop touching him?" and "am I going to have to separate you two?" I thought to myself. . . this is a mad passionate love spat and I'm just getting in the way. I hightailed it out of there after my 6 hour visit. Although, I did leave some beef jerky, water, an empty bucket and a shotgun on the porch.

-----------------------------------

It started so innocently. Really. NO REALLY. This chubby guy at work has been flirting with me and I just poo-poohed it off as just "work" stuff. Months of this has been going by and I never thought anything about it. Well yesterday, totally out of the blue, he sends me an e-mail asking me out on a date. It was like WHAM! (wake me up before you go go. . . sorry couldn't resist). So yah, like WHAM: no personal chats in our work history, then he was on vacation for a few weeks and he also works off site part-time; so I hadn't seen him in about a month and then I get this random e-mail asking for a date. Weird, I think. But hey, I need to get back into the dating scene, so I said yes.

I'm not predicting we're how gonna get along, but I do believe we think different on the major life stuff. I'm pretty sure he's real conservative, but, I'm willing to give it a shot to see if we're compatible. Who knows, he could like my non-work (alcohol guzzling, cigarette smoking, gutter mouth) persona.

Thought for the day: Is it fair to use "practice" dates? Practice for what, I don't know. . .

Lost Love, Nicotine & Chickens

2009-08-12T17:02:00.010-04:00

Two months? Two months since my last post. I've been meaning to post, but blah, blah, blah.

Since then I've had plenty of thoughts running through my head. However, I can't seem to get these thoughts into some sort of tangible, conducive to reading, order. So . . . with that said, I'm apologizing for the non-sensical post. But hey, I'm here again with good intentions to post more often.

What I should be doing today:

cleaning out my fridge
work out
clearing out backyard of dog poop
personal hygiene (shave, pluck, soften, etc.)

What I am doing today:

watching TV
thinking of a nap
blogging

Things I like today:

coffee
blogging
weather (please, please rain)

Things I dislike today:

bike riders listening to ipods
my hair
my planning abilities

I've been hanging out with my ex-boyfriend lately and it has done wonders for my self-esteem. He makes me feel great, sexy, and I enjoy his company and conversations. On the flip side, I am constantly thinking (and I mean constantly--too too much) about why we shouldn't be hanging out. Eventually we're going to sleep together; the sexual attraction is still there. And really, I think I want to. With that said, I broke his heart before. I'm not sure I want to head down that path again.

We've been open and honest about all stated in the above paragraph. So consciously, I've been making an effort to not think, and let this thing happen as it comes. No preconceived issues or rehashing the past. As of about three weeks ago, I am amazed at myself because I've been able to just let those thoughts go away, as I wanted. I am just going with the flow. Yay for me!

-------------------------------------

I started smoking cigarettes again. This sucks in so many ways. I have stopped working out as frequently as I was and I have the travel bug again. Time for some serious life changes, I'd say.

I'm upside down in my mortgage, my clothes don't fit and I have a cancer stick hanging out of my mouth quite frequently. Great work Zb, keep it up.

-------------------------------------

Great ghetto story before I go away.

I was leaving my house to go to work the other morning (8 a.m. or so) and there was a man standing in the middle of my street. The man was standing on one leg and flapping his arms wildly while loudly singing something about "chickens" or chicken dance or something like that. There was also a pitbull/ boxer mix dog jumping around in circles around the man. Just by observation, the man was obviously whacked out on some chemical.

The dog hears/ notices me and then starts trotting towards me. I stop walking towards my car because I'm not sure if this dog is being aggressive or friendly. The man stops his singing and dancing and says "no worries, he's friendly, he won't hurt you, he loves the ladies." He then directly starts back dancing and singing. I chuckled and got into my car and went to work.

Now, in most neighborhoods, this might sound weird. However, here in this neighborhood, it's NOT out of the ordinary. Because of the heat lately, events of this nature have slowed down quite a bit.

I just want to thank the chicken dance man for making me laugh all day. I giggled the whole way to work, I smiled during boring meetings and now I secretly want to stand in the middle of a street, during broad daylight, doing a silly dance and sing loudly (minus the drugs).

Everyone's gotta have a dream.

Thanks Chicken Dance Man,

~Zb

Grumpy Burning Ass

2009-06-11T17:28:00.003-04:00

Did I tell anyone my ass is on fire? Drinking massive amounts of alcohol and partying like it was 1999 has its consequences.

My roommate probably thinks I'm using explosives and smells burning dirt in the bathroom. It's been a week in a half now, I think it's time for my ass to recover from vacation.

Simmer down now. Simmer down, Simmer down I say! I usually guide my life by those words. I get my panties in a minor bunch and then take deep breaths and convince myself that it's not as serious as I think.

I'm attempting (still) to get back into the swing of things in my regular life. I'm not real sure where my brain waves are flowing. I believe those waves are focusing on the recent vacation & my ass, items that have been stolen from me in the last few weeks (phone memory card, camera, weed whacker, computer memory card, trash can), lack motivation for exercise, and lack of a romantic relationship. In general thinking crazy stupid stuff.

These thoughts don't put me in a good state. I'm really trying to buck these thoughts but damn it's hard. Pulling myself up by my fat ankles is proving difficult.

Someone at work has a diagnosed case of the swine flu. Everyone at work is freaking out. Really, it's a little to late to worry at this point, no?

I made a list today of things I'd like to have if I won the lottery. Here it is:

Reglaze bathtub
Zune
Weed whacker
Camera
Add a full bathroom & closet to the house
New living room furniture

I then made a list of things I need today. As follows:

Exercise
Food

Sad, huh? I lead a miserable existence of wanting nothing grand (in the scheme of things). Okay, well maybe the remodeling and Zune is a bit grand.

I cannot bring myself and justify purchasing any of those items in the first list.

Fuck it, I'm going outside to strangle those weeds with my bare hands.

Thought for the day: How much do you fight to prove you're the factual person during an argument? I'm at the point in my life where I just don't care to proving my point. I find that strangely relaxing.

Smile when it hurts,
~Zb

Back from VayKay

2009-06-05T17:49:00.002-04:00

I'm having a hard time adjusting being back from a wonderful tropical vacation. Work kinda sucks, I had a decrease in my pay, my project is super far behind, my boss showed up unexpectedly, and I just feel blah.

To put it all in perspective, I'm happy I have my health, a job, friends and my family (no matter how estranged). I'm not sad, per se, I'm just blah. Blah is better than so many other emotions.

I will be closing myself inside the house this weekend. I am just burnt out with people in general right now. I need some quiet/ reset time. I could possibly sleep for 10+ hours a night. Just the thought of it feels good.

Leaving in a few minutes to pick up pizza. I will nosh on it all weekend. It will totally blow my diet, but for now, I do not care. I won't have to leave the house again until Monday.

Did I say blah. Yah, blah.

I wanna be back on a muthafuckin' boat!

Maybe it's alcohol withdrawl,
~Zb

The Camburgler

2009-05-29T08:42:00.003-04:00

It had to happen sometime. I've know it, and didn't think I'd be this freaked out. My house was robbed. Yes, a burglar broke into a first floor window, opened it up and snuck in. Stupid Zb has to get up in the middle of the night to check the freakin' coffee pot. Yes, I am at the bottom of the staircase at 5 a.m. and the burglar and I made eye contact. Of course, not being prepared, all I could do was yell "GET OUT" . . .then wide eyes appeared from his dark face. Again I yelled "GET OUT NOW" as I loudly slapped my palm against the wall (scary, no?) I'm not sure who was more scared. Finally, this man jumped head first out of my window to the ground five or six feet below. I hope he sprained his ankle on the way down.

I must have caught him before he got too far into my house because the motion detectors on my alarm system caught him only on his way out. The police and fingerprint guys came out, blah, blah, blah. What did he steal? An nonworking (broken) digital camera that I found at the bottom of my nephews kiddie pool. Good luck with that buddy.

Bastards.

~Zb

The Blah

2009-05-18T21:51:00.003-04:00

I went out of town for a mini-vaykay this weekend. It sucked. The weather didn't cooperate and I just wasn't jiving with my friends. What's a girl to do?

Having drinks with the Ex tomorrow evening. His idea. I had been leaving the whole situation alone. I didn't think I would hear from him if I didn't initiate another meeting. I'm just really on the fence about spending more time with him. The baggage we would both bring if we were to get back together is paramount.

I took the day off of work today. Even so, I had two calls from work reinforcing how much my project has went to shit and I'm going to have a day from hell tomorrow.

Wish me luck. (I know it will end up alright)

~Zb

Drymouth Could Be Good

2009-05-08T18:13:00.006-04:00

Wednesday I went out with a coworker and a friend for some much needed after-work drinks. We went to a well known place for happy hour (3 drinks = $7.24) and I then suggested we needed to eat something so I could drink more, or sober up to drive home. Yes, I've become a lightweight drinker (damn diet).

Anyways, so we attempted to walk down the street to get some grub on. To our surprise, the street had been blocked up for some suspicious package sighting or something similar of that sort. I know this because some strange strung-out looking chick interrupted our musings of why the street could be closed. She had cell phone up to her ear and she loudly says "It is not a fight." So us three tipsy pedestrians turn to look at her and ask "what's goin' on?"

With her cell phone, strung-out looking face in a snarl, she gets her neck warmed up and starts bobbin' her head back and forth. She's so worked up she tries to speak once and spittle flies out and hits my coworker's face. You have to picture that we were standing at least four feet away. She finally manages to speak somewhat coherently and says "It is not a FIGHT, they've found SOMETHING!"

My friend and coworker start laughing at the same time the coworker is wiping spittle from his cheekbone. I guess my eyes opened extremely wide as I stared at the head bobbin' chick. I said "okay thanks." She then replies "It's not funny bitch."

I turn and start laughing with my coworkers. We then are approached by police officers that inform us that we can walk around the block to get to our desired destination. So, we head off that way.

30 minutes later, mid-bite of my dry salad with eggplant, who do I see? Yup, it's the spittle lady. She is standing outside talking with a police officer and pointing into the window (at me). Long story (somewhat) shorter, the policeman comes in to ask me what I knew about a suspicious something. He is laughing, mind you. I have had 3.5 drinks. I relay the above story to the policeman and he walks directly outside and puts head bobby chick into handcuffs and walks her away. I have no idea what happened to head bobby chick. WTF?

All I can say is: "Don't spit on my co-worker, bitch!"

****************

Today I heard many people exclaim "this is the longest day." I have to say I agreed with them up until 20 minutes ago. Now that I've finished work, the gym and some minor housecleaning chores, it feels as if time is rushing to end my evening. What should I do this evening?

I know I'm going out to dinner with a friend. How about after that? Not sure I feel like getting my drink on. Definitely not going to do any more house work. I have plenty of outside activities to do tomorrow.

Thought for the day: Why don't runners/ joggers use the available sidewalks? Why do they feel the need to run three-abreast into oncoming traffic? Sorry, just sayin'. . . It pisses me off.

Red scares me.

~Zb

Spring Fling

2009-04-29T09:58:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the day just starts out crappy. Today is one of those days for me. Before I woke up I spent 800 dollars and didn't know it. What is it about this time of year, every year, that big ticket items/ services come to knock at my door?

What savings account?

Vacation, what vacation?

The cable installation guy speaks maybe 8 words of English. Four of them are:

Sweetie
Dollars
Honey
Discount

Umm . . .whatever way you twist those words into a sentence, the outcome is pretty funny. He is cute in a sweaty kind of way. I enjoyed his baggy shorts and cursing while digging a trench in my backyard. To his credit, he did work very hard.

Since my savings is now NOTHING, I will be staying in and not being the social butterfly I have tried to become. My vibrator will be getting a good workout in the next coming month or two. Batteries are cheap and it will give me a good workout. For that matter, maybe I can save money and loose weight all by staying inside and keeping myself occupied.

In all seriousness, things are good.

Going to get a haircut this evening. Much needed. My vibrator won't notice <>.

Hope everyone is having a great spring season.

Ciao'

~Zb

Welcome Springtime!

2009-04-27T23:42:00.002-04:00

My boobs are all itchy today. What the hell?

My sinus are all stuffed up, I'm sneezing at least 20 times a day and I need a haircut.

Yup, I'm gonna get a date (and soon).

Linked up.

~Zb

Transparent Cocoon

2009-04-24T19:32:00.007-04:00

I've been attempting to be a social butterfly lately. This butterfly crap is exhausting. Geez, I'm having a hard time fitting work, gym, tanning, cooking, house cleaning blogging and social time into one day. Where does a normal person have time to do all this crap?

I begged off a dinner plan this evening to stay at home and curl up on the couch. I somewhat feel bad for cancelling; but I'm exhausted.

Vacation is soon and by the previous statements above, you may be able to tell that it is much needed. However, this vacation is only adding to my personal stress level. I'm a bit panicked about cash flow and this darn house has been sucking all my hard saved cash from me. Alas, I've finally realized how much money it costs to be a social butterfly. After 20 years of moderate partying, I am slowly realizing I probably could have been much closer to having enough retirement money. Should have woken up a bit sooner Zb.

Met a guy who seemed excited to go out on a date with me and then he just kinda fizzled. We went on a date and had a good time. He called daily after that for about a week. Then, the following week he set up a time to meet and then called with excuses and kept moving the date. Now I've heard nothing. He still texts randomly about eventually going out. That makes me done with him, and it's okay if he's not interested. I'm just perplexed as to why he continues to contact me. Just leave it alone, guy! Do girls really put up with that shit?

At a dinner party the other evening I met a multitude of new people. It was interesting to watch how the conversation shifted and people migrated into groups based on financial status. Although there is always the mommy group. Children have a way of bringing women together where all financial, social, and ethnic classifications are overlooked.

During parties like this I attempt to butterfly my way from group to group. Really, no one says anything of substance and I (believe) can mingle in almost any situation. What I won't do is get on Facebook so that I can see pictures of your kids of whom I've never met before and then compliment the little bastards to get in your good graces. Not how I want to meet new friends.

Thought for my day: How do you meet new friends? Do you consciously not try and meet new friends if the one's you have are already aplenty? Do you always strive to meet new friends? I'm asking about friends, not acquaintances.

This post may sound a bit grumpy, but it's not meant that way. Just a lot of things whirling around in my head.

How has everyone been? I've been excited about the warmer weather lately, but the few weeks of rain had gotten me down. I'm grateful for the sunshine. I'm starting to feel human again.

Cheers,

~Zb

Oh! The Procrastination Of It All

2009-04-13T22:41:00.004-04:00

Visitors, house guests, minor crises, blah, blah, blah. Many excuses for not writing recently. . .but none greater than I just suck and have been lazy.

I miss my verbal spittoon.

Till later.

~Zb

This Is Your Life Zb. . .Come On Down!

2009-03-20T20:03:00.010-04:00

Many apologies for being slack about writing my blog posts lately. Not that it's a chore, I just have been quite busy. Out of town guests, new roommate, exercising like a mad woman, etc.

I have made the decision that I want to reemerge into the dating world. Everyone and their brothers are attempting to set me up with a blind date. Uhh..NO. I don't want to seem closed minded, however, I like to meet men in person (socially) before I commit to spending (minimal 2 hours) one-on-one time with any male. This is why online dating is not for me. This is also why blind dates are not for me. Lastly, this is why I need to get out of this house more often and put myself into social situations. Again, I need a hobby.

Now I'm going to drag you down into my world of whine:

During my lifetime, I have observed that bad luck happens rarely. Example: you run over a piece of metal on the highway and get a flat tire. This is bad luck.

I notice people frequently mislabel bad judgment as bad luck. Lack of thinking through an unusual situation beforehand leads to unpleasant situations. This is not bad luck. The bad judgment has led you into an avoidable situation. What do you do with the situation? YOU LEARN FROM IT and don't do it again. I could go on and talk about logic, common sense, and even intelligence. Yet, even very smart individuals have bad judgement; SOMETIMES.

This realization does not comfort me. I allow stupid non-thinking individuals make me unnoticeably boil inside (only sometimes). I make a strong effort to try and learn more patience with individuals who have not learned the difference between bad luck and bad judgment. I have this strange faith that everyone can and will learn the difference. Some days I have more patience than others. . .

I can complain all I want, it's not going to change a thing.

Recently, I had to bail Trouble Girl out of jail. Not a good thing. I'm hoping this will wake her ass up to the path she is/ was headed on. She is such a smart person making continual bad decisions. I am loosing my faith watching her ruin her physical and mental person.

**Sigh**

VayKay coming up soon.

Yay for two bottle Fridays.

~Zb

Considering My Week

2009-03-07T11:44:00.004-05:00

I sit here, inside, on a gorgeous day drinking coffee. I have already been outside and ran some errands. Remaining tasks: clean up yard (pick up branches and dog poop), wash car, go by work, workout, repot three plants, and sweep sidewalks and porch to get up salt.

I'm getting serious about my diet again. I have been killing myself with my workouts and seeing no results. I need to replace food with something fun in my life. Gotta pick a hobby (other than drinking) I guess.

Things I did this week (that I wish I hadn't):

Spoke badly of a coworker
Went out to lunch three out of four days
Spent money, on frivolous items, I didn't have
Said "Fuck You" to a coworker (ugh! - I since apologized)
Put off specific work tasks because they were unpleasant (now I'm scrambling for time)

In retrospect, I believe I just coasted along this week. Dammit!

K3 checked in with me this week. How random. I was a good girl and responded with niceties and let it be. Very reserved of myself; so proud! I managed to do one thing correctly this week.

The dogs are begging for attention. We all need to get outside.

Hope your week was better than mine.

Cheers to next week.

~Z

Overindulgence of Many Kinds

2009-03-02T22:53:00.003-05:00

La La, La Sunday. La Lah, Sunday morning. . .

Frozen Ego waffle, two soy corn dogs, and glass of water is my menu for the day. Yuk! I am in serious need of grocery shopping.

I spent the night at Trouble Girl's house last evening. She has pneumonia and was in serious need of being watched over and be made to eat and sleep. She is on a self destruction path and this is just a precursor to things to come in the next few years.

Things I am avoiding today:

Showering (nasty!)
Housecleaning
Leaving the house
Exercise

Things I am including in my day:

Sleep
Television

****************************************

So now It's Monday night and I feel like crap. I think I'm fighting off a chest cold and being in this drafty cold house isn't helping one bit.

My neighbors came knocking on my door today wanting me to give them money for gas. I'm guessing they're in cahoots with the midget at the corner store (see previous post). But of course, I shelled out the five dollars I had in my piggy bank. Next thing I know, my front porch, sidewalk and car had all be cleared of snow. Aww how nice. Where the fuck did they think they were driving in their rear wheeled drive car today?

I've drank hot tea until I think I'm going float away in a pool of herbal urine. Although, the two bottles of champagne helped the meds and tea go down a bit more merry.

Also today I received many text messages from a lady that I met last week. She and her husband were standing at the bar while I was attempting to get a drink. Next thing I know, we're chatting up a storm and buying rounds of shots for each other. They seemed nice and at sometime early in the conversation, I had slightest thought that they might be trying to pick me up. But that thought soon passed. They seemed normal enough and I didn't get any weird vibes from them. But as this week has progressed, I've received many texts and an invite to a (innocent sounding) party.

I haven't been hit on/ flirted with by male or female in the recent past; maybe I'm a bit rusty but I'm totally not getting a "vibe" from these two. However, not getting any vibe/ read is also scary.

At what point do you ask new friends: "Are you trying to have a threesome with me?" Yah, I've never had to ask that question before.

I usually get a strong feeling as to what what people's motives are, OR they make it very clear what they want.

They seem like nice enough people; and I need new friends. What would you do?

Thought for the day: What is the new fascination (meaning trend) to have anal sex? I know it's always been around, but now it seems as if everyone, out of the blue, believes it is their right to take part and talk about anal sex. I'm not knocking it. . .just in awe about the new public fascination.

Anal sex demanded on the first date? Nah...ditch 'em Danno.

Yours in sickness,

~Zb

Hello, I'm Zb. I 'm a Bitch and Weird, too

2009-02-22T09:43:00.008-05:00

I've been taking stock in my personal relationships. As of about two months ago, I've decided to stop being so accommodating and kiss ass to my friends. I didn't do this without warning. I guess they just didn't believe it when I warned them. It may turn out that I end up without my friends that I currently have, but I guess while taking stock in my relationships, I realized I couldn't continue relationships in this manner. Let's see if I can stick to it. It feel great right now, but when I get lonely, I may (hope not) go back to my old way of thinking; defined as "if I don't think about it, it doesn't happen."

I've now had dinner twice with the ex-boyfriend. So many things go through my head while I'm with him. Don't worry, I'm not going back there; although sex with him would be nice, just not a good idea. I just find it funny how people change (e.g. above).

Speaking of change, I was recently in the neighborhood drugstore and was making a purchase. After my items were scanned by the cashier, I gave her a five dollar bill and she gave me the paper change and the coin change shot out from a machine just out of arms reach on the other side of the bagging area. I grab my purchase with my right hand and reach for the change with my left hand. Hmm...the change is missing. It was something like 37 cents.

I then notice the midget (yes, really) standing behind a strategically placed circular stand. I moved out of the line, step away from the cashier and look for my car keys in my purse. While looking for said keys, I notice two other people go through the line and go to grab for their change. It wasn't there. I guess they figure it's not worth their time to say anything to anyone and leave the store. Same thing I was guilty of, if I hadn't had to look for my keys.

I finally find my car keys to drive home. While waiting at a stoplight I kinda tried to do the math of what a midget behind a circular stand stealing change might make. Here's what my bleach blond covered brain came up with:

Remember this is the ghetto, so most customers make their purchases with cash or stolen credit cards.

I'm guessing 20 customers (per hour) pay with cash.
Average change on purchases would be 34 cents (I don't know how I came up with this number).

Okay, blond head needs to process here:

34 cents, 20x per hour = $6.80 per hour.
I'd assume he works 3 hours a day (in between quick beverages in the parking lot).
$6.80 x 3 hours = $20.40 a day

Do you think the midget gave the cashier some cash to turn a blind eye?

Okay...$20.40 - 5 bucks hush money =$15.40 daily
Case of Milwaukee's Best = $13.00 (give or take with tax)
$15.40 income - $13.00 living expenses = $2.40 (daily) left over for savings or some food
$2.40 x 30 days a month = 72 dollars monthly for food

I turned around and went back to the store. I found my favorite snack food (gummy bears) and some protein (peanuts); purchased these items (with cash) and gave the guy some food. Oh and my 54 cents change that mysteriously was missing from the change machine.

I think his hourly rate just went to $12.00. I forgot to factor in the dumb blond girls that need to do mental math on Thursday evenings.

Gotta start new friendships somehow.

Thought for the day: Should street corner begging be made illegal? Why do thieves and beggars target low-income areas? If I were to become a crook, I'd break into a home with items worth stealing and I'd beg from middle & high income people.

I'm a Baker, Not a Shopper

2009-02-08T14:01:00.007-05:00

On a Friday night, I drove many miles to meet friends in an (so called) upscale grocery store to sit and drink wine. WTF? How did my life digress to this? I drove out of the city to sit with pretentious others to taste grocery store wine. I can't stop replaying this whole scenario in my mind. I know I'm repeating myself, but geez, how could I have been convinced to drive miles out of my way to sit in a brightly lit grocery store to drink wine? Okay, was the wine good? No. Alright, was the wine discounted? No. Hmmm, was the conversation good? No. But wait, did I pick up some hard to find goods a the upscale grocery? No. Wow, was the time wasted? No, I was around friends that were nice enough to invite me and bring me out of my self-imposed hermit state of late. I don't think I'll be driving out of my way, any time soon, to (again) drink wine in a grocery store.

Today, I'm taking it easy. Actually, I'm being damn lazy. I haven't changed out of my pajamas, and have no plans on showering or changing clothes for the remainder of the day. What is keeping me down is my darn hips. Something muscular is creating pain around my lower back/ hip bone area. As the day has progressed, the pain has radiated around to my right side and hurts like hell. This will pass, I know. But for today, I've decided to take it easy. I do have quite a bit of guilt for not hitting the gym today (or yesterday).

There has been so much going on in the neighborhood recently. My anonymity on this blog only allows so much detail. I can say that it is some crazy shit. The good news in all the drama is that I got to flirt with a hot policeman. Policemen usually aren't my type, but I'd be willing to go against my own rule of thumb to get to know this particular one a bit better. How often does a hottie show up ringing your doorbell first thing in the morning? What an a.m. treat brought to my doorstep.

One of my most embarrassing guilty pleasures is reading really bad science fiction/ fantasy novels. I'm a closet geek reader. Oh yes, I read other genres, but when I want to totally relax and think of nothing, I read sci-fi junk. Dear readers, what is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?

Thought for the day: In an effort to save some cash, should I let a friend highlight my hair? Or should I got to my professional stylist and create a longer time between highlights? I have successfully colored/ highlighted my hair on many occasions, but not ALL occasions. My stylist (whom I respect very much) hasn't been on top of her game the last few visits.

Here hottie cop. . . I got the donuts.

~Zb

Titillating Toy Troubles

2009-02-02T22:59:00.006-05:00

Recently I was invited to an adult toy party. Read between the lines: dildos for sale. Well I've been too tired for self lovin' recently, but I ~~was forced~~ decided to attend after the hostess called and guilted me into it.

I was the second or third youngest guest. I was just glad there were plenty of drinks to be had by ME, mostly. Trouble girl thankfully came with me. However she showed up to my house late and already extremely drunk. Once we made it to the party, we chatted up strangers, about nothing important, as middle aged/ older women will do.

The party gets started. We randomly sit around the living room so that we may all have a decent view of the products offered. And where does Zb sit?

NEXT TO THE 60 YEAR OLD, TIPSY, BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN LADY. (no I'm not kidding). I know this because she questioned me throughout the product review about my knowledge of God's word; you know while we were passing around the double headed red dildo.

This party lasted 4 hours. (again, not kidding) YAWN

Since trouble girl and I were the last to arrive at the party, I had no idea who had arrived as friends or rode together, etc.

Once the product review was over, Tipsy Born Again Christian Lady (TBACL) starts asking me questions about how my pubic area was shaved. But it sounded something like this: "Do you keep your whoo-haa hair-free?"

"S'cuse me?"

"Ya know, your hoo-haa. . ."

"Ummm...you mean my bikini area?" (this was Zb talking if you aren't following)

TBACL says "Yah, you know. . .I keep mine totally clean; like bald since my divorce. You never know what might happen."

"Oh sorry to hear about your divorce. I need some more wine, can I get you some more? Red or white?" I never made it to get more wine.

Trouble Girl pipes in and says: "Lady, ain't nobody gonna touch that thing, you should buy some toys you saw tonight."

"Yah, the loud lady over there seems to have bought at least half of the products from the last party she attended. She seemed to be happy enough to come back and buy the next half during this party." (Oh, this is ME speaking again -- doh!)

TBACL says: "Loud Lady? Oh that's my friend. . .she LOVES these products. She buys all the things for the 'unit'. I'm not into HIS thing (THE unit), I'm all about my own thing. Why do they keep talking about the 'unit?', this is a party for women."

--Trouble girl walks away--

--Loud Lady gets up and dances around with a vibrating lubed-up plastic unit sheath--

--Zb vomits a little bit of red wine into her own mouth--

TBACL yells out to the entire room "Zb thinks XXX (Loud Lady) is too loud and I'm gonna buy some 'coochie cream'." For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending this type of party, "coochie cream" is no frills shave gel marked up 250%.

--Zb looks for an escape route--

TBACL then turns to me and asks "I never clean my toys, do you?"

Thankfully, the hostess runs over and interrupts scene and tells me that Loud Lady is in another room crying because I've offended/ embarassed her by telling everyone she is "loud; the hostess asks me to leave and take my drunk friend with me.

With the dry spell I’ve been having, as far as dates go, is this what I have to look forward to on the weekends? Parties with silicone/ glass/ plastic toys marked up 250% while loud drunk senior citizens dance around loud-mouthing about their sexual experiences with them?

I've been thrown out of better places.
Wait. . . or I could say I've never been thrown out of a better place.
Praise Jesus!

~Zb

Just the facts ma'am

2009-01-28T21:47:00.009-05:00

From my recent reading, a few fellow bloggers have been forced out of their jobs recently. I am intensely sad for these people who have let me follow their lives and now are in a shitty situation. I truly hope things get better, quickly, for you.

******************************************

I've been a busy girl lately. Much exercise, healthy cooking, and generally ignoring all the grown up tasks has been my mode of operation for the last 8 or 9 days. This lifestyle is not mine. No, it is not me.

Today I asked my ex-boyfriend out for drinks. We dated for 5 years. He is a good person and I would like to catch up with him. No, not wanting to revisit dating. Just thought it would be good to have an interesting/ intelligent conversation with a person of the opposite sex. I don't run across many men that I can do that with. I attract the abstract freaks.

We couldn't seem to match up our schedules so we ended up not meeting this evening. Next week we'll try Wednesday again. Any suggestions where to meet up? Nothing romantic, but not a hole in the wall either.

Did I mention that I LOVE shoes? Well, I love shoes. I have made a pact with myself this year to only purchase four pair of shoes. Already this year, I have purchased a pair of cross-training sneakers to replace my old worn out ones. Can I do this? 3 pair of shoes left to buy. I 'm sweating this already. In my own interest to conserve funds this year, I am very determined. Keep me strong readers!

An old friend who is 31 years old called today to say he is in love with an 18 year old girl. He has decided to decline an interview for a well paying job here in Richmond to stay in Pennsylvania at a crappy low-paying job with this girl he has been dating for two months. He is usually very logical and I wish him the best. So many thoughts wanted to come through my mouth. He deserves the magical fairy tale. Who am I to push my bitterness on others?

Thought for the day: Bad Situation. Step back and regroup or power through it?

~Zb

Loving Myself . . Yah!

2009-01-17T22:06:00.009-05:00

Thursday night I went to find a decent happy hour with the girls. What was supposed to be a couple hours catching up and chatting like girls do, ended up being an all evening drunk fest. I don't remember the 3rd bar we went to, nor do I remember coming home or getting into bed. I woke up the next morning and felt surprisingly okay. I made it to work on time and managed to look as if my insides weren't boiling on the inside. Upon arriving at work, I took 3 antacids and my insides decided to stay at a nice simmer all day. Who would have thought I would have felt so good?

In the spirit of things, I had a nice long workout after work. How proud I felt of myself after vomiting during my warm up. And I felt even more enamoured of myself after, again, vomiting after 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. At that point I couldn't control my self love and then decided to vomit, for the third time, during my 4th set of squats.

I've got to make this part of my normal training regime. GO Zb!

Finally, (REALLY!) as of this evening, the bathroom painting is complete! Left to finalize: rehang fixtures, shower curtain rod, pictures, blinds and curtains, remove tape, put bathtub back in place, attach water connections, bring in and rehang the door and medicine cabinet, and buy/ make shelves for the medicine cabinet. I can get that done in one day, no?

Maybe I should go out drinking tonight so that I'll feel like superwoman tomorrow and can complete the rest of the bathroom tasks in one day. Yah, I think I will.

~Zb

Why be normal?

2009-01-14T21:25:00.007-05:00

I've been pondering why (especially) bloggers' desire to "buck the system" or attempt to not fall into the married/ boring life of mindless 9-5, married, suburban life style. I'm sure it's not specifically bloggers; I'm guessing they're just using this media outlet to express and support their own lifestyle choices. I know I do.

Classification of people based on where they live or what/ where they decide to eat/ not eat, color of skin, ethnic background, sexual preference, party affiliation, where they live, etc. . .all that bullshit makes my head hurt trying to fathom answers (yes, plural) as to how individuals believe that being "different" makes them interesting.

I don't knock anyone's lifestyle choices. An individual's threshold of what is exciting for their particular life is defined within their own mind. Somewhat like the taste of certain foods. Some people LOVE the hot gooey goodness of Hot Pockets and some folks think they taste like ass. And for that matter, some people enjoy the taste of ass.

*********************************************************

Tonight, I sit home alone feeling angry. Angry at what, I don't know. Tonight I would give my left foot to have someone here to just "be here." I would mindlessly chat or watch TV and end my evening by going to bed totally at ease. The bed would be warm; or would warm up quicker with someone else in it.

Usually, I enjoy my time alone.

I spent my 20's enjoying or trying to enjoy everything life had to offer me. I'm spending my thirties doing the same, just at more experienced level. I'm not saying I will AVOID marriage, yet, I don't see that chapter in my near future.

I started this blog to release some steam from my mental thoughts. Sometimes this works, sometimes it perplexes my thoughts even more.

Thought for today: I lost 1.5 lbs. this week. Yay for me!

I like green eggs & ham.

~Z

Estrogen Deficient?

2009-01-08T19:38:00.004-05:00

I just came from an hour long, grueling workout. I did the same thing last night. I smell kinda funky. I’m eating dinner directly from the cooking pot while sitting on my couch, with my laptop, typing between bites. Mt toenails and fingernails are unpainted and my eyebrows need a good pluck/ wax. I was thinking about having an asexual encounter, but realized I was too tired. I haven’t worn make-up in over a month. I have no interest in trying to date or get a date in the next few months. Oh yeah, and finally, I haven’t shaved my legs since I last posted about it here.

Maybe I should start caring?

I feel great.

Thought for the day: I NEED a vacation. I’m pretty broke and will not get paid for any time off. I haven’t had a vacation on almost two years. My personal fitness goal is be bikini body ready by May. Any suggestions on where to take a nice cheap VayKay?

Later Taters,

~Z

Boy Math

2009-01-04T18:32:00.004-05:00

Ladies, do you lie about the number of sexual partners you have had? Do you lie about the circumstances? Would you admit that you've had sex with a woman, transsexual, animal or whatever you fancied at the moment?

I don't get it. Why lie? I find that a simple "What specifically do you want to know?" is a nice deterrent. If they push the issue, then a "You don't want to know" or "When's the last time you've been tested for STD's?", or "You should have asked before we had sex" seems to work, as well. Men assume we're lying if/ when we give them an answer.

EXAMPLE:
Male: How many other dudes have you slept with?
Female: Why? How about you?
Male: No really, how many? It's important that I know.
Female: Oh okay, Hmmm. . . Well 4 guys. No, wait, there
was this one time in my dorm room. Oh, 6. Yes, it's 6 guys.
Male: (mental thoughts) 6 dudes, what a slut. BUT WAIT, "6" in girl
language that really means 50 dudes she spread her legs for. Dirty whore.
Female: Are you okay honey? How many girlfriends have you had sex
with?
Male: (mental thoughts) Girlfriends, I've only had one girlfriend. I've
had sex with 75 dirty whores. Plus 2 prostitute. And those girls that I
dated exclusively weren't my "girlfriends."
Male: (verbally) 6. I've been careful.
Female: Oh okay.
Male: (mental thoughts) I'm gonna have anal sex with this chick
tonight and then I'm dumping this slut.
Male: (verbally) Let's go have some dinner and go see a movie.
Female: Oh okay.

******************************************************************

What did you do for new years eve? I stayed in and fought like hell to stay awake past 11 pm. Possibly because I bartended/ waited tables in bars, for so many years, might explain why I enjoy staying home and keeping a low profile. In my opinion, there are too many amateur drinkers out, in force, that evening. And then add the issue of attempting to get home; sober drivers are at extreme risk just by being on the road.

So far, my new year has been great. I've gotten a lot accomplished around the house. Some painting, yard maintenance, ironing, and dog bathing. I'm not saying I'm happy about doing those things. However, it does feel amazing to have the tasks complete.

I've also been exercising like a mad woman. Yah that's right...boom chicka wah wah...ZB Hot Body on the way (note sarcasm).

I hope everyone has had a good new year, so far.

Cheers,

~Zb

Day Down the Drain

2008-12-30T19:46:00.009-05:00

Here I was, minding my own business, on the phone with Tech Support about my hardware failure (whew, it is fixed now) and I'm getting a bit agitated at the tech being kinda rude. So FINALLY, I manage to convey the problem I am having and then I hear a loud BANG BANG. I stand up and look out the window to see some crazy kid running through my backyard vaulting over the 6 foot fence and then the other side 3.5 foot fence. I think WTF?

By then my dogs are barking like mad and I cannot hear the man with the thick accent speaking into the phone. I tried to quiet the dogs somewhat and finally I can hear what the Tech is saying. GREAT, he is getting to the point of sending me the link to the updates that I so desperately need.

BANG. . .again. Dogs barking, AGAIN.

At this point, I realize I've heard gunshots (really close by) and tell the Tech I need to end the phone call. He mumbles something rude (okay, at this point, I don't blame him) and I hang up.

My heart is racing and I think "It's a shootout." I won't tell you what stupid things were racing through my head, but I have to say, I'd be good in a crisis. I went right into survival mode.

Within 20 minutes, I believe, I heard 6-7 gunshots. OMG is all heck breaking loose? Is someone trying to steal the oh-so-beautiful green snowflakes from the lawn next door? Are the police putting on a parade?

So, at this moment, I'm sitting in my cast iron bathtub with my laptop attempting to get my heart rate back to normal.

It's safe in here, right? CHECK
The house alarm is on? CHECK
The police are swarming around the neighborhood? CHECK
Got my phone? CHECK

Okay, that should do it. Whew, excitement for the day.

On another note, I'm just getting over a monster, yet quick moving, chest cold. Today is the first day I've felt somewhat normal since Christmas. Yup, feeling normal while sitting in a empty cast iron bathtub with my laptop.

Thought for the day: Aging signs (wrinkles, sags, body image). Accept it gracefully or fight it?
(this has come up before)

Arrgh!

2008-12-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

Hardware malfuntion. Be back in a day or so. . .

Ahh the Simple Life

2008-12-20T14:14:00.005-05:00

So. . .Yesterday, I came home from a crazy day at work and a long workout afterwards to find my neighbors had decided to put up their Christmas decorations. It is pretty; oh so pretty. I’m not sure I can pinpoint what my favorite part of the spectacle should be. Let me set the scene before I venture any further into this description of the pleasure land that has been set-up next door.

My neighborhood is not one to boast a “Best-Of Top 10” title. Okay well, yes, yes it does. I ~~jest~~ believe it may sport the most drug dealers per capita or maybe the highest ratio of “spinners” to factory rims. My neighbor and his wife(??) have lived here for over 50 years. There is one garbage filled, dilapidated car per century, parked in the backyard. The house is painted spinach green with grey trim and the front porch is covered in neon green synthetic carpet; I guess something like Astroturf.

My neighbors decided to add to the existing decorative glory by adding Christmas decorations on December 19th. The icicle lights, both color and white are wrapped, not hanging, around the city supplied waste can. The chains connected to strategically posted PVC pipes (ones that serve as a boundary fence) have partially lighted blinking candy canes hanging from their links. The candy cane light string must have been too long for the boundary fence, so the excess canes are dangling from the artificial plants that hang from the front porch. And the best part, really, I appreciate this the most: the three stop sign-sized green lights, resembling snowflakes, laying flat on the front lawn.

I got so excited, I rushed inside to unplug my Christmas tree so that I could stand inside my second floor window to behold in the glory of the front lawn next door. Suddenly, baking 10 dozen cookies, wrapping them up gaily and putting them in tins didn’t seem such a daunting task. I was overtaken by the holiday spirit. I mean, errh…I had to partake in some spirits myself.

My Friday night was spent dressed in my comfy robe, sipping Beaujolais, lounging in a chair gazing out across the beautiful vista. Oh the memories this will make.

I might get lucky and be able to view this ode to Christmas through Valentines Day. After then, all I will have is the precious memories.

In all seriousness, I have some of the most friendly and neighborly neighbors. Whatever their taste in yard decorations, I wouldn’t want to live next door to another family.

I’m thinking that gracing my front with a yard gnome wearing a Christmas hat and bearing cookies might be just the compliment my neighbor’s yard needs.

********************************************************

I haven’t gotten in the Christmas spirit for the last few years. This year, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Oh yeah, and loosing 10 pounds has been a good thing too! (YAY for me!)

Thought for the day: Holiday sweaters? Please, please don't fall victim.

I don't care how "tasteful" you say or think they are; sweaters with reindeer horns protruding from your breasts and blinking light do NOT make you more attractive or festive in any way. Some nice Santa earrings should do the trick.

Beaujolais Season! Never go away. . .

2008-12-14T22:47:00.007-05:00

I am feeling like ass. Raw ass at that. I took my nephew and my roommate out for birthday celebrations. I end up vomiting in the bathroom with no door in front of both boys.

Really, it wasn’t that fun.

It took me 24 hours to recuperate.

I’m not sure I have figured out where I want or need to be at this point. I feel physically great. I feel mentally “meh.”

The hormones have decided to kick back in, as well. I’m horny as hell and I can’t focus on things that might be important. My roommate is leaving and I can’t get the ummpph up to feel concerned. I think I’ll like my time alone; yet I cannot foresee that I can afford it.

As I was out Friday night, drunk as I didn’t need to be, I realized that I don’t care, nor do I get embarrassed. “Funny” I thought to myself. This feeling must come with age, but then I realized, nothing embarrasses me and really I have EVER; let me rephrase that: I have NEVER given a second thought about how others view me.

This could possibly be why I’m still single. I’ll fart in front of a man (at home) in a second. I will also scratch my butt, pee in the shower, vomit, cry, and take a crap in front of most anyone I feel comfortable with. Pretty nasty, I agree. But it is me.

It is Beaujolais season. Time for the three month drunk fest. I have learned to cut calories to enable me to drink more wine on a daily basis.

Work has been excellent. I have run across some other women in another Department that have seemed to take an interest in me. I find them very entertaining. Not in a good way. Its like watching an episode of ER. What drama can they bring to the next character?

This interests me and makes time move at a slower pace. It’s been so crazy at work lately, it is a nice distraction. Sad, yes, I know the unfortunate actions of others shouldn’t entertain me, but it does. Taking time to focus on human interactions forces me to slow down and contemplate all the intricacies of emotion.

Tonight, I’m nesting. I’ve made/ cooked venison stew, washed and put away two loads of dishes, watered plants, swept the kitchen floor, and masturbated (twice). I love this nesting stuff!

Thought for the day: As you get older, will it be harder to find someone to live with? I've heard this from my family, as well as others.

Why? That would give the impression that I gave a shit to begin with.

Realizing who your family is can be surprising

2008-12-06T10:51:00.004-05:00

I started to change this blog layout. I got distracted and never came back to fix it. It looks like shit, I know. Eventually. . .

Rough times at work. Things have been getting stressful and busy lately. I find it hard to get into that mode at work since the workload and stress has been non-existence for the last eight months. I’m not complaining, this is what I expected. However, it is hard to jump start from nothing to full speed ahead. I’ve surprised myself and pulled little used skills out with minimal appearance of struggling. The work I have produced has been well received. I’m learning new skills, too. Yes, old gal still has some brain cells left to put to use.

Kermit is still burning up my phone. Although his desperation has went from niceties to “let’s get naked” texts. Thank goodness my libido has lessened as of late. I might have had a moment of weakness and caved in.

I have nothing witty or funny to say today. My usual sarcasm has taken a back burner to ??.. Really, I don’t know how I feel right now. But its not a bad state of mind.

The newest obsession in my life has been finding the exact right pair of boots to replace my current perfect boots. The old boots have finally passed their prime and are falling apart. Last night my search ended. Black leather knee high boots with the perfect height heel and the right shaped toe are now in my possession. I consider myself fortunate to have found them at such a good price. They were still a bit expensive, but totally worth it. I would have paid three times as much for the boots I found.

I sat in my living room for an hour this morning caressing the soft leather and trying them on and zipping them up and down my calf. Maybe my libido has transferred into the form of boot worship.

As I sit here and watch my nephew and roommate play PS3, I find I am happily content. These two men have found a way into my cold heart. They listen to my unimportant silly stories. they help around the house, they are animated and get my sick sense of humor. More importantly, they have been my mental support through some rough times in my life. One of them held my hair and petted my head while I vomited for 6+ hours straight, many days, during my chemotherapy. The other one has quietly watched over me as I completed my mission to get drunk on lonely holidays by dragging my butt out of a bar before I embarrassed myself too much or passed out. There are many other examples. But to sum it up, I am very lucky to have found such good people and have them in my life.

They have met each other for the first time yesterday, and as I hoped, they’re getting along like old childhood friends.

Today, getting old doesn’t seem so scary.

Yah, I know. . . Boring post.

Let's do it again tomorrow.

2008-11-28T00:58:00.003-05:00

Boy have I been distracted. Not by Thanksgiving, mind you; but this exercise shit is consuming all my time. I’m feeling pretty good, but my body is sore every day when I wake up. I was ~~dreaming~~ hoping for a boost in general good feelings. Sadly, I’m still super-sarcastic, uncaring me.

Not much news here. Hmmm . . . let’s see:

The “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” guy at work, recently got engaged. I just think that is so funny.
Church lady now reports to me when she has sex. The strange part of that is that I don’t find that strange.
My roommate is moving out before Christmas. Shit! I’m gonna miss him. I wish I didn’t need a roommate.
I refuse to shop on Black Friday. I hate shopping anyways.
I ruined my own Thanksgiving by being pressured into visiting the Parental Unit’s house for turkey dinner. I totally blew my diet and now all I want to do is drink.
I went from having nothing to do at work to being busy and now behind with my deadlines.
Two ex-boyfriends have contacted me and wanted to pass on their serious apologies for being assholes while we broke up. Right . . . umm . . . yeah . . .ummm . . . right. Bastards.
I’m desperately hoping my heating bill doesn’t break me. I hate dealing with the local utility companies.
I’ve accomplished a lot of projects around the house. Maybe my energy level is increasing.

That’s the news in a nutshell.

I’m watching the James Bond marathon on the SciFi channel. I love Bond movies. I grew up with them. This marathon is what a single girl, alone on Thanksgiving really needs. Okay, that and a few bottles of wine, IM chat with hottie, young ex-boyfriend, and warm blankets (with me under them) on my couch.

Today, I was ~~forced to listen~~ having a conversation with my stepmother which made my insides boil. It started with the normal “are you dating anyone?” line of questioning. I politely fielded questions and tried to change the subject many times. No luck. The conversation continued with “you’re getting to old to have children” and “the older you get, the harder it is to find someone.” In short, the conversation ended with “I’VE TOLD YOU MANY TIMES I CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN. Why do you keep insisting that I can? I KNOW I’M HARD TO GET ALONG WITH, DON’T YOU AGREE?”

That pretty much ended the turkey dinner.

I’d like to hear your Thanksgiving dinner topics.

Thought for the day:

Why do (the majority of) foreigners who live in this country refuse celebrate Thanksgiving? Its foreigners that originated this Holiday. America is the place they have choosen/ want to be. I tend to think they’d have a lot to be thankful for. And I’m not speaking of thanking America only. I’m simply suggesting that they join in celebrating a non-religious Holiday to be thankful for something.

Today I’m thankful I woke up. Truly, it makes me want to go to bed a do it again tomorrow. It makes me smile.

The tall and short of it

2008-11-15T19:46:00.008-05:00

“How tall are you? I know everyone asks you that, but I really like a tall man. How tall are you?” I ask.

So yes, I do have a thing for tall men. 6 foot 5 inches or taller is especially nice. I’m not saying I won’t date short guys, but I will fall over backwards, legs in the air, for a tall one.

Last night was no exception. I used every available flirting skill I had with this guy and it was working. I was a bit excited. Until . . .I found out he was in town for just the weekend AND he was married. Yah, married is a deal breaker for me. He was an interesting guy anyways and after he told me he was married, we hung out most of the evening and it was just fun hanging out chatting. I got up a few times to look for other interesting situations in the bar. I did manage to drink a lot and did a superb job of ruining my diet. I didn’t even try to fool myself at the beginning of the evening; I started out with shots of whisky and just kept at it ,all night. I also did something stupid by driving last evening. I usually am the LOUD, call a taxi supporter. I can’t believe I drove. I am kicking myself today.

I drove the two married guys back to their hotel. Due to his long legs, the super tall guy had to sit in the front seat of my small car. So Trouble Girl (Ms. Trouble) sat in the back and kissed the other married during the ride back to their hotel.

About two miles from their hotel, tall guy started joking about paying me back for the ride. He asked me when was the last time I got laid. We both laughed out loud because I refused to answer. I did, however, manage to give him a snarky, yet telling look. A few hundred feed down the road, he started asking, in earnest, to lick my pussy. I told him no thank you. He was pretty adamant that he wanted to. I mentioned he was married but thanked him for the offer. He said “Bill Clinton has let us know that oral sex is not cheating.” He really did say that. I’m not joking. He then went on about he was just hot to do some pussy licking and then I could leave when he was done. Saying “you could then leave without saying a word.”

Ummmm?

In my head, I’m thinking that this man is rationalizing his friend in the backseat (also married) is going to get laid and that he should be a good wingman OR no rationalization thoughts, and was just drunk enough to cheat on his wife. Either way, it did nothing for me. And remember, this man was six foot seven inches tall, geeky, and kind of good looking. Just my style. I had enjoyed his social company for about three or four hours before this situation, and he was a pleasure to speak to. But the married status and then the begging really turned it off.

We pull up at the hotel and I laughed good heartedly and then gave him a hug. He then started on begging for a kiss. This guy was 36 years old and it dawned on me how silly the whole situation was. I politely said no, excused him by asking him to get out of the car and then turned to the backseat to stop the other married guy from kissing Trouble Girl. As we had pulled up to the hotel, Trouble Girl had told her backseat guy to leave her alone and go back to his wife. So I knew she wasn’t entertaining the idea to have sex with this guy.

The guys got out of the car as asked and then backseat guy wouldn’t shut the door. He kept leaning in to kiss Trouble Girl. She kept saying “no, bye” but he was not discouraged. On the third lean in, I just drove off.

Anyways…it was nice to hang with someone different for the evening. Oh, and as usual, it’s always a good story (to me).

The sexual tension exuding from my body must be readable.

My roommate lost his new job and might be leaving state/ country soon. Darnit. I’m trying not to stress too much. It hasn’t happened, until it actually happens. I spent most of Friday afternoon (during work hours) figuring my finances for next year and hoping I don’t loose my job. If I lost my job, the little bit of sanity I have would go with it.

I'll take you as you are

2008-11-12T22:48:00.003-05:00

ARRGH! Exercise kinda sucks. I love it and hate it at the same time. ‘Nuff said about that.

I very rarely watch TV. However, tonight, I’m watching the premier of Top Chef. Reality shows don’t’ usually hold much interest. For some reason, this show interests me. The skinny girl/ model judge (Padme)…I just don’t get it. It doesn’t look like she eats on a regular basis and how she gets to be a food taster/ judge is beyond me. No matter, this show holds my interest. That’s that. It feels good to sit still for an hour and watch mindless television.

I have made a new friend at work. Every day I think how strange our relationship is. She is the wife of a minister. Imagine my nonreligious, cursing, free to chat about anything self sitting next to a very straight-laced and religious person for 8 hours a day. We had Veterans Day off and decided to spend it together. We ran some errands and drove to Williamsburg to get a jump on Christmas shopping. She also brought her 7 year old daughter.

After a lot of chatting and laughs, I came to realize that most people have the same basic problems. She’s new to the area and I seemed as if she needed to “girl talk.” She has also raised a very polite and well behaved daughter. I respect her a lot for that. As you could probably guess, I’m not always comfortable around children. They somewhat freak me out. Although I’m getting older and learning some patience; I still have problems being around unruly children.

The day was quite fun. I experienced Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s for the first time. Interesting choices especially being on this new diet and exercise regime. I picked up quite a few healthy and easy to make items. Having easy to make items will hopefully save me some time. With this new diet, I feel as if I’m always cooking and my life is centered around getting healthy food into my body. I’ve even stopped drinking for one week.

Yes, yes I did.

Going out with Ms. Trouble Friday night. We’ll see what that brings. It’s never a pleasant day after. She’s back with her boyfriend (I know this) and she won’t admit to me that she’s gone back for the 50th time. Why is that? She knows I’ll be her friend no matter the situation.

I’ve been corresponding via e-mail with a guy I met Halloween evening. I don’t recall giving him my e-mail address. I really don’t’ remember (I do have some vague memories) meeting him at all. I had makeup all over my face and a wig on.

To not be boring, I’ll spare you all the details of our e-mails. I have gleaned that he is about 6 years younger than I. It’s at the point where he’s going to ask me out for a date, soon. Before we get to the date, should I tell him my age?

I’m thinking no. He has no idea what I really look like or what my sober personality is about. Yet, he still acts interested. He seems like a nice guy so far. It will be interesting, if nothing else.

Thought for today: Everywhere I’ve been hearing about needed “CHANGE.” If you could change one thing about the United States, what would you do? Would it be a knee jerk reaction to satisfy the general public? Or would you structure long-term change, yet, be less popular with the general public?

~Z

We all fall

2008-11-10T23:55:00.009-05:00

Finally gonna finish the story of K2. This is the least eventful part of the story, yet most difficult to write. I‘m ashamed of my actions; ashamed of acting like such a pitiful (whiney) dumped person.

***************************************************

“The latest I can leave is tomorrow.” he said.

I take a deep breath and say, “Well, maybe you should leave today to make sure you’re ready to go to work Monday. Lock the deadbolt and leave the key where I‘ve hid it before, ya know, near the chair. Okay?” K2, again, nods his head. “Okay then” he says. “Bye.”

In a flash of anger. I shake my head and get out of the car. “Bye.”

I go back into work and sit at my desk. I’m in shock (I think). I sit for about 20 minutes trying to act normal; all the while, strange thoughts were racing through my head. I couldn’t figure out what happened in the last 30 minutes. Was he leaving me with a head shaking finale?

HOLD ON A SECOND. . . I love this man. I need to go home and find out what is going on. Don’t be mad. Suck it up and go ask the needed questions. Be kind, I tell myself. I can’t be mad if I don’t know what’s going on. We can fix whatever freaked him out.

I arrive home to an empty house. The key that was supposed to be near the chair was nowhere to be found. I go inside and look around and call his name. No answer. I run upstairs and look to find all his belongings gone. An empty dresser and the bed is made. His size 15 shoes , normally beside the bed, are absent. I then go back downstairs and look for some sort of note; SOMETHING. I find nothing.

I place a call to his cell phone. No answer. I leaved a garbled message. At this point, I’m making all sorts of excuses for him in my head. Maybe one of his parents is sick and he doesn’t want to tell me. Possibly he’s embarrassed because he didn’t secure a job before leaving school. I call his cell phone again. “Is everything okay? Just talk to me and tell me what’s going on.”

Although he was a healthy 40ish guy, I start psyching myself out that something is wrong with him medically. I call his best friend. I waste no time and immediately ask if he’d talked to K2. He hadn’t heard from K2 in about one week he says. “Z, are you okay? What’s up?”

I tell him the story of the lunchtime nodding and explain why I‘m concerned. While I’m relaying the story, I start to look for the house key that I’d requested be left in a specific place. I can’t find it anywhere. My mind invents many, many reasons why the key is not in the requested hiding spot. Nope, not here. Nope, not there. I end the conversation with the request that if he hears from K2, to have him call me.

I call and leave yet another message on K2’s phone. I’m thinking maybe he’s not left town yet and he’ll show up a the door any minute.

Two hours later I call again. This time he answers. I rush to get out every question I had going through my mind. He answers nothing. Finally, I ask “Are you okay?” There is silence on the phone for about three seconds.

“Hello?” I say.

“I don’t know what to say Z.”

“You don’t know what to say? Are you okay? Say something, please!”

Again, silence.

Anger is now creeping into my being. I ask him where he put the house key. I hear nothing.

“WHERE THE HELL IS MY HOUSE KEY?”

“Under the matt he says.” and then the line goes dead. That’s the last time I heard from K2.

*****************************************************

I speculate many things about that day. Speculation about what happened is all I have.

About a year later ,K2 sends e-mail apologies. It takes weeks after I discover the apologetic e-mails to respond with a generic “no worries, apology accepted, have a nice life” response. Three months after that, K2 says he’ll be in town and would like to visit to extend his apology in person. I countered with: “I've made my own peace. No apology could do it justice.”

Periodically I get an IM from him. Usually I don’t respond.

Today, I’m horny. I left my workout and went and bought a 24 pack of condoms. Wishful thinking that I may get laid. But if I do, I want to be prepared. My supply was running low.

Question for today: Where is your “spot?” The spot that makes your body ache for more. Has it changed locations throughout the years?

Once it was the back of my neck, years later my collarbone; then it was my calf muscle. I don’t remember when it relocated (years ago), but for today, it is the space on my back, between my shoulder blades. Just a slight touch and I’m jelly beneath your hands.

Sigh.

~Z

Be Gone!

2008-11-08T09:00:00.018-05:00

The new diet and exercise regime is kicking my butt. I’m focused on being hot sexy babe in the next few months, however, I’m so tired and my muscles are sore. I know this will get better, but for right now, I’m physically feeling like an invalid. Mentally I feel like Superwoman.

Due to this exercise thing, I decided to shave my legs. I thought it might be a quick affair. Standing in the shower with my razor and soap in hand. What I didn’t foresee is the razor getting dull and my legs starting to cramp up from past exercise and the gymnast position I’d have to stand in to get all that hair off my legs. To add to this, I hadn’t shaved my legs in 4 months. Yes, I know, but who’s been around to care? I‘m not going to throw myself off a bridge and my dogs definitely don’t care if my leg hair is long while I’m putting food in their bowls.

The water had run cold, three razors and a half bar of soap later, I emerged from the shower triumphant with fresh, hair-free legs. I wonder. . . Do they make a barber shop chair for bikini line maintenance? With my sore muscles, I’m not sure I can stand in the shower that long to remove the remaining unwanted, unfeminine fuzz.

K3 must have, from 1400 miles away, known about my freshly shaven legs. Out of the blue, he sent me an e-mail this week wanting to maintain light conversation. I was totally blown away from his randomness. Without getting into too much history, this has been a pattern. We correspond via e-mail for a couple weeks and then when I ask him simple questions he stops replying. Questions such as: “How’s your brother?”, “When I visited you were thinking of buying a new car, have you bought a new car yet?”. Anything personal, this man just shied away from. Anyway, here was my response to his random e-mail:

"I’m not sure how to respond here.

I have reached out to you many times. I invited you to visit me with NO response. I asked you direct questions with NO response. I have in general, just tried to initiate conversation and gotten little or NO response.

I really don’t care for or need the petty/ light conversation with someone who does not have the decency to return answers as a common courtesy.

Good luck with your company. Sorry to hear it was struggling. Glad you pulled it out in the end."

I can be overly harsh in my words sometimes. That is one of my many faults. But really, was it mean spirited? I was proud of myself for being somewhat civil and not blasting him as he deserved. I’m getting to old to care if my point (of view) gets into someone's head. Especially, with men. The best thing I can do is walk away. Getting old does have some good points. One being: learning patience.

I’m off to put my hair-free legs into some workout pants and get motivated to do my daily exercise bit. Wish me luck.

Thought for the day: Why is alcohol so many calories? It is worth skipping a solid calorie to have a glass of wine or two? I know the healthy answer. What about my mental state? I don’t think the health nuts are taking that into account.

Cheers ya’ll!

Old? No, it can't be happening to me. . .

2008-11-02T19:27:00.004-05:00

Friday night was a blast. I drank more than usual but surprisingly woke up without a hangover. We went to many places I would have felt like granny on a regular night, but something about my anonymous costume made it okay for Halloween. What fun it was to see the drunk stupid college girls in Cha-Cha’s bathroom. I don’t believe I’ve ever acted that clueless EVER, drunk or sober.

The girls had “I have syphilis and soon to have or now have herpes” screaming from their drunken slutty french maid costumes. I don’t jest. They were three in a stall chatting about the boys they’d recently shared and who got what disease and what the doctor had told them. They were then discussing who they had their eye on for that evening. While numerous girls (long line waiting for they lovely ladies to finish) told them to loudly shut up, they were so oblivious to what they were being overheard. To my humor, everyone seemed to know them by name. I’m all for sexual freedom. Hell, I preach it! But these girls . . . my immediate thoughts were that they were wasted pieces of diseased flesh. And then I thought of all the guys that had used them as a sperm dumpster. I guess I’d stay wasted all the time, too.

I quickly scolded myself for passing judgment and tried to dash the situation from my memories. I didn’t know the whole story and I really didn’t think it deserved much more of my thoughts. But wow.

I hightailed it out of the Petri dish of a bar and found myself father down towards Shockoe Bottom. It was pretty much the same, yet more people hanging out on the corners, and in larger groups, than usual. Honestly, not much scares me, I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods; however, these large groups of teenagers (maybe early 20‘s) scared me. Pretty sad. Most of the people I watched decided to walk on the other side of the street and totally avoid the group. I’m sure that’s not good for local businesses much less the bar business; these non-drinkers/ spenders.

Today I slept until noon. Oh gosh I hadn’t done that in a while. While it felt nice, I couldn’t get visions of housework out of my head. Whomever said owning a home was bliss was freakin’ insane. I never seem to have the time to get the outside and inside done. It’s one or the other, and the one ignored suffers. So for now the inside of my house is a wreck. Dog hair tumbleweeds are plentiful and the dirty dishes are piling up. It doesn’t help that I had three people over here getting reading for a Halloween drunkfest Friday night.

I woke up at noon to find a text message from Kermit. Come back he says. WTF? There is nothing to come back to. There was only sex. If need be, I can find it somewhere else. I don’t want to. He was safe and the sex was incredible, but having to put up with him. . .nah, I think not.

I’ve (still) been dreaming of sex a lot lately (gee -- wonder why). Not ready for someone new, yet bored of my toys. I’ve put a new schedule together to exercise 4x weekly with an improved, more challenging workout. I’m hoping to burn off some sexual fervor with exercise. My fat ass needs to tone up anyways. I’ve gotten lazy with my workouts and don’t want to put down the P3 controller when I should.

Thoughts for today:

How many white lies should you overlook before you start believing that your friend views you as stupid?

Is sex just sex when you’ve set up the situation as FWB? Does it need to end when one partner starts thinking its more than sex?

Power off the brain

2008-10-29T00:20:00.004-04:00

I can compare today to a load of laundry. Ya know the one where you bleach your whites only to find you threw in a pair of your favorite red underwear and everything has turned pink? Yep, that’s today. I started out feeling productive; just to find everything I touched turned to shit.

Things I like today:

Carbohydrates
Pumpkins
Warmth
Grilled veggies
Hand lotion
Spiders

Things I dislike today:

Stale cigarette smell
Spiders
Dust
Cashmere

I believe I need to go out and have human interaction. Okay, well maybe I need to have sex. Some sort of stress relief would be nice. Exercising just isn’t working any longer.

So restaurant week is intriguing. I’ve read the menus for the participating restaurants, and nothing is "jumping out" as interesting to me. I’m taking my step-monster out for dinner Thursday. Any suggestions, of a place that isn’t on the restaurant week list? Nothing too fru-fru.

That’s it for me tonight. I’m going to take a long nap and reset my attitude for tomorrow.

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think
about that tomorrow."
~Scarlett O’Hara

Fiddle Dee Dee.

Nodding and Silence

2008-10-25T12:27:00.008-04:00

Sorry I didn’t write all week. I had the daunting task ,hanging over my head all week, to write the unpleasant part of the story below. I’d like nothing more than to remember the wonderful times (that I’m not having now) with K2, especially the sex. To make the bad memory/ story writing more laborious, I had a strange week at work culminating with Friday being the shit topping on my cupcake. Tuesday my roommate told me he got laid off and would be moving in three weeks. Wednesday I met passive aggressive girlfriend for dinner and, to make her feel better, I let her lecture me and offer to loan me money. I told her the last thing I would ever do is to borrow money from friends. She didn’t understand why I wouldn’t. After many explanations and reasons, she just didn’t seem to understand. Thursday I got stood up for a date. Friday I had to send a coworker home. This person is also a friend, he was acting unreasonable, loudly grumpy and just being an all around “whiner.” This is the second time I’ve sent this particular person home because of his attitude. He is completely Jekyll & Hyde acting. Next time, I’m going to have to fire him. For many obvious reasons, this is a horrible thing. But again, this guy is my friend, very smart and a integral part of the team. Not my thing; firing people.

Last night (Friday) I didn’t move off of the couch. I had good intentions, as I do today, to get so much accomplished around the house. And what am I doing right now? Sitting on my couch, eating breakfast drinking coffee.

Arrghh, so back to memories:

****************************************************************

“Hurry home, I love you.” he says. . . .

Several hours later, a couple of co-workers and I are discussing where to have lunch. As I’m grabbing my purse to leave for lunch, the phone rings.

“Hey Z, I’m on my way to your work, let’s have lunch.”

“Wow, what a surprise. I’m on my way out to lunch with my coworkers, let’s all go together.” I say.

“No” he says. “I’d rather it be just you and me.” I’m immediately thinking of a continuation from this morning. The thought of having a lunch of hot sex, possibly in the car, ignited flashes of dirty thoughts in my brain. “umm, uh, okay. I’ll be waiting for you outside."

K2 drives up to where I’m standing; I jump in the car and lean over for a quick kiss. I place my hand on his upper thigh, barely brushing the khaki material on his groin area. “I’m so glad you’re here, its nice.” I say.

“Yah. Right, then okay, let’s go”. he says. I barely noticed he didn’t look at me as we drive through the parking lot.

I start looking at the parking deck and smiling. “Hey baby?” I said. “The bottom floor of the parking deck is empty today. I thought maybe we could park and ‘neck’ for lunch.”

K2 slows the car down, pulls over and then parks in an empty area. The area is very out in the open and I’m wondering what is going through his mind.

I guess it was women’s intuition that overruled the sex hormones that were pulsing through my body. I asked K2 if something was wrong.

“We need to talk.” he says. “I just finished my interview. It went really well, eh. I think I’m going to take the job. The pay sucks, and really it’s not in the field of my studies. I feel like I should give it a chance anyways.”

I was so excited for him, I know he was getting restlest from sitting around the house. “Great! Tell them you can start in 3 weeks. We’ll be back from St. Lucia the Friday before you would start. It’s perfect.

"The agencies you have interviews with next week, are you going to cancel them? Since I know R__ and set up the interview, I’ll call him if you want. What about the others?

"I’m so excited for you. You finished school up there (Canada) 3 weeks ago, moved to Virginia (with me), and found a job in such a short time. You move fast.”

He sits in silence. No emotion on his face as he’s staring down at his steering wheel. He seems to be nodding.

“If it’s not the job you want, hold out for the right one. I know you really want to work in the field you went back to school for. You can stay with me for free until you find a job. And don’t worry baby, I’ll take in out in trade for some tongue work.”

I notice he’s still nodding and staring down. He mumbles something inaudible.

“Hmm?“ I say.

“The latest I can leave is tomorrow.” he whispers.

****************************************************************

Alright, that’s enough memory blogging for me today. Story to be continued when I’m up for it.

This Saturday is turning into a nice day. The rain brought milder temperatures. I need to get outside. Jumping on an ATV and tearing shit up sounds like a good idea. Sadly, I’ll be washing clothes and doing basic, much needed, housecleaning. Sometimes I’m such a slob.

If I overlook everyone’s idiosyncrasies, which I try to do, why do I gravitate or “groove” with some friends better than others? Am I being subconsciously judgmental? I love them all for their differences. Goodness know I have mine.

Not K1 or K3. Yes, it's K2

2008-10-20T20:45:00.003-04:00

***********************************************

It was about 6 am and I was just getting out of the warm shower. I pulled open the curtain and there stood a naked man, 6 feet, six inches tall. He had his cock in his hand and was pumping back and forth slowly. "Oh my K2, what is this about? Why are you out of bed?"

I loved looking at this man. Not an inch of fat on his body; he was long and lean with nice muscles, not too bulky, but firm. He hadn't said a word. He just kept staring at me slowly stroking.

Grabbing my towel, I stepped out of the shower, barely drying myself off, I knelt before him, looked upwards and smiled. "Well, this won't do" I said. "I'm too short for you when I'm on my knees." He just smiled at me as stroked his cock a few more times. My view was perfect to watch his style. His stroke slightly rotated clockwise, his grip was firm yet not vice like.

He knelt down, put his arms around my ass and one under my arm and behind my back and gently lifted me until he was standing at full height. Navigating through the doorway, he walks me across the hallway and gently tosses me on the bed.

Now it was his turn to kneel and he grabbed behind my knees and pulled my butt close to the side of the bed. He places my feet behind his head and leans forward and slowly passes his flat tongue over my vaginal opening and up to my clitoris. Where he stops and applies pressure with his tongue.

I squirm and laugh. “I can’t be late, I have a meeting this morning. But oh god, that feels fucking incredible!” I said as I squeezed my thighs to press him in closer. “Unnghh“ he mumbles. “You’re so fucking sexy, I want to lick you all morning.”

“I’m sorry baby, I’d love for you to keep doing this all morning. But, I’m going to be late if I don’t get moving now. Can you hold that thought until lunch? Do you want me to come home for lunch?”

He again mumbles “unnghh.” He stops his tongue action, looks up at me and says “I can’t do lunch baby, I’ve got a job interview at 11:00.”

“Alright well you’d better be naked and spread eagle on the bed when I get home. I’ll call you when I’m leaving work, ok? I’m need to get up and get dressed. You just continue to stroke that beautiful cock of yours while I get dressed. Take a nap later and rest up for tonight.”

I quickly dress and dry my hair, run downstairs to feed the dogs and grab my purse and head for the door. As I go to grab my coat off the coat rack, I catch a movement out of the side of my eye. Again I see this perfect specimen of a man is standing naked on the landing, cock in hand and a sad look marring his beautiful face. “I’m looking forward to tonight, baby. I wish you didn’t have to leave now. I’ll be here when you get home. Right here.”

I sigh. “Oh Shit K2. Why do you have to be so fucking sexy?”

He smiles and says “Can’t I just lick you for a little while to make you feel good? I can’t get enough of you.”

My heart starts to beat a bit faster and I’m starting to think of excuses of why I could miss my morning meeting. Before I can come up with a feasible story to tell my meeting attendees, I’m standing on the landing staring at this naked man, up close. He leans down and kisses me. “Lift your skirt baby.”

45 minutes later I’m wiping off my thighs with paper towels as I’m driving to work. It’s hard to hide my big grin as I walk into work. My thoughts are lingering on the incredible oral sex I received this morning and the rough and tumble sex that ensued on the stairs. In the back of my mind, I’m look forward to making him count how many bruises that are going to appear on my back.

“Hurry home, I love you.” he says.

**********************************************************

More memories later. This post is getting too long.

Over-opinionated, as always

2008-10-19T21:24:00.007-04:00

I hung out with some couples today that had been married for over 30 years. I've always believed that long term relationships just didn't exist any more. Being around happily married couples renew my faith that it can happen. People can be happy together for extended periods of time. I'm not so optimistic that I believe it works (or is wanted) for EVERYONE.

As I was walking down some stairs I got in line behind two guys that were about my age. They were chatting about marriage and why he was never going to marry his girlfriend. The exact words from his mouth:

"Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Do men still say that? I guess they do, I have proof (duh). For reference, this was an mid 30's something guy, a few extra pounds and not terribly attractive. For all I know, he had 9 inch cock and was a millionaire. Who cares? As I stood in line behind these two fellows, I had the opportunity to see the girls they were chatting about. The said girlfriend was about 20 steps ahead. She was a very attractive girl and seemed to have her senses about her. What I don't get. . .Why would this woman want to marry this dairy lover? Maybe she didn't want to get married, possibly she was also just occupying her time. If not, I got the distinct impression he was leading her along. I have no idea if the milk included a together living situation or just sex, but she could do a lot better than this jerk (based on my less than 1 minute observation of her). From my experience, girls just don't classify our partners in the bovine family.

I have been quite boring today. Looking for a new adult toy. My poor Rock Chick is getting worn out.

My dreams have been something to note lately. Some hot and sexy, some just plain mind-numbingly happy. I'd like it to continue. I am sleeping soundly :-)

I went out to dinner with my friend and roommate last evening. Without warning, I was super-drunk. While waiting for a table, some strange 50 year old man starts being passive aggressive with insults to my roommate. My roommate was super cool and walked away. It was an unsettling experience for me. Why do people act like their shit doesn't stink always have to include insults to others? Maybe it makes them feel superior.

Reminder to self: surround yourself with positive people. Don't let those bastards bring me down.

I heart shoes

2008-10-19T00:04:00.004-04:00

Goodness gracious, I love shoes. I love sexy shoes. I wish men would wear sexy shoes. I freakin' love the look/ feel of shoes on my feet and how they make my ass look.Why can't men wear sexy shoes? If I could be a lesbian (trust me, not my thing), I would lust after a women in sexy shoes.

Against my better judgement, I'm considering fucking Kermit in the near future. Nice cock, nerdy/ weirdo musician, disease free (I know this, we've chatted, and I had him check himself out). What is a single girl to do? Note to self: he wears horrible/nerdy shoes. :-D I truly lust for a man that responds to a "condom free" request. I'm a condom girl. Must PROVE it, and I'm adamant about it..

I believe I'm at that age of question: Do I grow old gracefully, or fight it all the way? Many thoughts on this . . .

Truly, I could get my saggy pussy fucked if my face looks fresh.

Silly girls, dicks are for young chicks? I think not. We only get a sense of ourselves after our twenties. Not saying that's true for all of us girls. Just for me.

Say hello to your mother for me.

Thursday Hell

2008-10-18T13:35:00.003-04:00

So I was sitting at the bar looking at some out of town sorta semi-hottie sitting on the other side of the bar and this older guy in an ill fitting jacket comes and sits bedside me. He immediately asks for a cigarette. Yes, I smoke when I'm drinking. He then starts mumbling about "just asking for a cigarette", "that's all, no more", "it don't hurt nobody", blah, blah. At this point, I'm fumbling to light a cigarette because this man STINKS. I'm not talking too much cologne, or a bout with a lingering b.o. problem. This man had obviously been sleeping in the dumpster where he'd found his jacket. Funny now, yet the smell was foul. I gave him a cigarette hoping he'd light up, too. Any nasty smoke could only help this smell. I guzzled my drink in less than two seconds, dropped a $10 bill on the bar and ran out. This was the beginning of my Thursday night gone bad.

15 drinks later, I had my roommate come pick me up. The details at the next bar, with my coworkers, are a bit fuzzy. I don't think I embarrassed myself too much, possibly just obnoxious loudness; I had to do minimal damage control Friday.

I do somewhat remember hot after work guy (from month or so ago) showing up with his girlfriend. Oh yes, he’s had a girlfriend all along. Which I find FUNNY. Really does reinforce that men are very untruthful when they want to get laid. Before I introduced him to trouble girl, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. Trouble Girl had asked him the same question about 1 hour after I did. His response had been definite “no” both times. I’m glad I can still laugh at these type of things. Even thought I was drunk, I kept my composure and was nice to his girlfriend and didn’t call him out. Not my problem. No drama needed.

Speaking of stupid men. Kermit showed up at my door at 2:30 am on Thursday. I was sleeping off my earlier escapade and passed out around 10:30 p.m. Why this guy shows up at my house after 3 or 4 months of me completely not responding to his texts or calls is a mystery. I didn’t hear him knock, nor did I hear my dogs bark. He decides to leave his card on my front porch and leave (whew!). So. . . now the calls, texts and home visits are starting. Again, I’m not into the drama. I’m going to have to be firm with him AGAIN and tell him to leave me alone.

I have different work persona. It is what I perceive what is expected of me while I’m at work while I'm being my “professional” self. Some of my regular personality is thrown in the work persona. All other times, I mean it: ALL other times, I am ME. I think it would be strange to have many personas. Isn’t that a multiple personality disorder? Is having a persona to fit a situation weird/ wrong?

Nothing Important, thoughts for the day

2008-10-12T11:18:00.007-04:00

Why weekends? Why do I feel compelled to get so much accomplished on the weekends? Possibly because I can't keep my silly butt home on weeknights. Today I feel like sleeping all day. The freaks next door kept woke me up at 7 a.m. and I've been trying to sleep since. I unsuccessfully made breakfast. It turned out somewhat salty. I'll just drink a pot of coffee and get my painting on today.

Must take friend out for belated birthday dinner tonight. Good friend, but not what I want to do.

My house is falling apart and I'm mentally panicking as to where the money, to fix the mess, is going to come from. Where is Mr. Fix It? One with a working penis and a gourmet chef?

Two of my friends are trying to hook me up with hot guy we met at after work bar about 1 month ago. I would have been happy to have hot guy and Trouble Girl to hook up. They seem like a good pair. He obviously had interest in her and none in me. Which is great, but now two friends have both told him to pay me attention. I have to see him quite frequently and I'm so not interested. Nope, not even for a part time play toy. Once he opened his mouth (which is why I pushed him towards Trouble Girl) I was not interested. He's just plain odd. I think it best to just leave the whole situation alone.

Lately, I've been thinking about fetishes. At what point does something you like become a fetish? How is a fetish different than thoughts of obsessiveness?

Things (today) I like:

my dog snoring
crisp mornings under my soft sheets
unexpected packages
my front porch
thoughts of sunshine
PS3
Reggae

Coffee kicking in, I must move.

Be free my piggies!

2008-10-06T22:02:00.012-04:00

It's getting that time where I'm going to be forced to put my piggies into some full covered shoes/ boots. I know it's getting cold out there when I finally have to cover my toes up. Dern it.

I've drank too much wine and am tired. What a day.

I can admit lack of knowledge/ know-how and ask for help when I need it. I used to think it was a sign of weakness; it's not. That was my ONLY big thought for the day. I have been somewhat brain dead all day.

I could have laid in bed, in my (temperature) cool bedroom room with the "like-buttah" sheets on my bed, and just not move all day. The only noises to be heard were the outside birds chirping and my sighs of contentment every few minutes. I really, really really had the urge to take another day off. Alas, the dogs barking, roommate stirring and alarm clock jolted me back into reality and I pulled my lazy ass out of the oh so comfy bed and went to work. Yay for me.

Roommate out of town until Thursday. Yeppers, naked self-examination time. No, don't get weird mental pictures. I just need to give myself the full body "do I look like a 70 year old?", "do I have cellulite?", "is that mole on my back changing colors?" and always the ever-girl question "does my butt look fat?" Nothing sexual about the yearly body self-examination.

I have a scheduled dinner with the step-parental unit tomorrow eve. I swear, I keep looking for the punk'd camera. She must want something. . . I will stay positive until I know different. I might have to forgo drinking in her presence. Otherwise, I might open my big mouth and let her in on my bitter feelings for her. Where the hell is my Trunk Monkey when I need him? (I know they're not cool anymore. . .).

I was exposed to my first gay porn (male on male) movie today. While I didn't watch most of it,(well okay, I only watched about 10 minutes of it) I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be feeling. I really wasn't turned on by the various sex acts...but yet, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the HOT naked guys on screen. Go hot naked guys!

Ladies, does male on male action turn you on?

Sunny Mornings

2008-10-04T09:43:00.003-04:00

I took Friday off of work. I’m so glad I did. The weather was beautiful and good sleeping weather in the morning. I slept in until about 7. I was under my warm comforter and snuggled up/ in as much as to tuck the comforter under my chin to keep the warm air enveloped around my body. Talk about not wanting to get out of bed. Once I was out of bed, I threw some funky clothes on and shuttled the dogs to the groomers. What a great day to have quiet time with no barking dogs to run in and out of the house.

I sometimes wish that I could sleep in longer morning. Ever since I fell in love for the first time, I haven’t been able to sleep past 7:30 in the morning. It is a rare occurrence when I can. But then my day never seems right after that.

I remember waking up at 5 am…or whenever the sun started to come in the windows and just lie beside Idiot and think how wonderful everything in the world was. I didn’t stare at him or anything like that (once or twice I did), but generally there was this feeling of pure contentment of being secure, warm, and bathed in sunshine that I didn’t want to miss one second. As nice as that sounds, it was very unsettling for me. I have never lived my life with those thoughts and it was scary. I guess it was a nice kind of scary . . . . .

I miss him. I do not miss the bad times. I miss him. I dunno maybe I miss those mornings.

Going out of town tonight. Fun dinner with strangers. I’m not sure it will be fun, but I’m going to darn well try. What if they’re uber-religious? What if they’re scary Amway salespeople? Fuck it. I don’t care. If I can fend off Girl Scouts and cookies, I can protect myself from anyone. Plus, it will be interesting and I always love interesting times. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll wear some make-up.

So, should I sock money under the mattress or invest like a maniac?

For Today. I dunno.

2008-10-01T23:39:00.008-04:00

Some days are better than others; and yet, some days are just there. I’ve been living in the “just there” day for about 1.5 months now. Nothing exciting, gained, new, or developed. I try and convince myself that this is a good place to be. I really don’t have anything to complain about, nor do I have anything to rave about. Maybe I’ve gotten so acquainted with things being super good/ really bad (I’m not sure which) that I don’t notice when things might enhance that feeling. I just do not know. It’s a strange sort of mindset that I ‘m subconsciously (now consciously) attempting to sort through, maybe even define.

As I think and discuss the world’s economy with my roommate, I get into a somber mode. What is America going to do? Are we going to grow vegetables in our backyard. Do we let the government step in and blindly let them ensure our financial welfare. Why are the accountants at work asking my take on the whole economic crisis as is today? WTF? Hello, accountants asking me?

In all fairness, I believe I have one of those nonchalant views of the whole situation. I know it’s wrong, but really:

What can I do today to change this crisis?

I will do whatever it takes in the future to help America. I will invest blindly and spend as most Gen X’ers should. I will ignore warnings of doom, and go on for today.
I will rejoice in the joy my dogs give me every day.
I will grow vegetables in my backyard, if I have too.
I will run a cheap boardinghouse to make ends meet, if need be.
I will recycle (more) at a crazy rate.
I will support small business.
I will not expect cheap goods.
I will still floss my teeth regularly.

In (right now's) reality, I don’t know what to do. I believe I’m not as informed as I need to be, to pass judgment, based on the little facts I know today. I’d like to know facts.

Let’s drink like there’s no tomorrow; EVERY DAY! Let’s go on (and out) until we know facts. If we don’t learn hard facts, what are we to do? That missing component, the facts, scares me more than anything else.

I went Monday and bought 3 years worth of Rock Chick batteries. Can the crisis last that long? Kermit won’t quit texting and Mr. Married is just so funny. Mr. Miami is done for.

What can I change?

I didn’t mean this post to be so gloomy. I’m not being gloomy at all. I’m thinking about my mayoral candidate and wondering if I can grow grapes (to make wine) in my backyard. I ‘m not worried that Ukrops or Panera may go out of business. Selfish, no?

Porn and sleep.

Ahh the Beach

2008-09-27T03:00:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I went out Wednesday, ran into some friends, and decided to get uber drunk. Other than that, I’ve just been too busy, working late, drinking, and remodeling/ painting. The Thursday hangover than ensued from Wednesday was hella bad and reminded me that I’m too old (maybe out of practice) for that sort of partying.

I took my friend out for some “girl time” and she shared many secrets and let her emotions show like never before. She is normally somewhat stoic in her outward emotions (Ahh pupil, I have taught you well. . .) . I believe this is the fist time she’s been in love . Not that I’m an expert, I’ve only been in love once, and my immature self waited until I was 33 years old to get there. Back to her. . .I’ve felt the anger/ sorrow/ revenge/ hurt that she is now going through. I wish I had good advice or something positive to say; but I don’t. I admit, I’m bitter. However, I want her to heal quickly, I want her to stop drinking, I want her to get better. But who am I to give advice?

So as love goes; what is too scarred? What is too bitter? What are the differences between lessons learned and forgiveness? Unfortunately, I'll (probably) never know.

I’m around a lot of people, this weekend, who perplex me. A couple that has been dating 9 years. A recently married couple (1.5 years). A single guy. And a recently rejected woman. What interesting perspectives I’ve been exposed to. The presidential debate was on the television tonight and we all decided to not watch it as a group. Meaning together. It was a general consensus that too many beliefs and strong opinions would ruin our weekend. Maybe they’re right. Actually, I know they’re right. Too much drama and personal prejudice during this election to be in a large group and expect to find a friend. These are great friends: to know it that it was a bad idea to get together and watch a political soap opera.

Fuck it, I should have married Mr. Miami and moved to Canada(land). (sigh, giggle)

Mimosa’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow. What a treat.

Should I hit on strange, sexy, self-proclaimed kinky unmarried guy at work? I'm somewhat attracted to him. Not sure I could do him justice on many levels. Nor him, me. I just never know. Usually, the surprising ones are the most fun and interesting. And the fun and interesting usually last for a while. Oh, and please let me define the "kink."

Do I want “a while?”

Maybe not at this juncture.

Spackle & Green Peas

2008-09-21T12:49:00.005-04:00

Morning breakfast with the roomie. What a find! My roommate likes to cook and I like to eat. Although my weight has skyrocketed in the lat 6 months, I don't feel guilty about what I'm eating on the weekends because of the amount of physical work I've been doing. My hands have a tingling sensation this morning from all the sanding and spackling. Well, at least I hope that's why it is.

I'm having troubled getting motivated this morning. I watched a movie, the Secretary, and now all I want to do is read porn on the internet and go into my bedroom and shut the door. In all seriousness, I laughed my ass of as Maggie Gyllenhaal masturbated to thoughts of "green peas." I also love James Spader. Not in a sexy way, but I just think he's an odd bird and he's one of my favorite actors. Not to mention Boston Legal. . .I'm an addict.

I hope my mood gets better in the coming week. I'm in need of a pick me up. I couldn't say what that would be, but I'm feeling pretty low on the happiness scale. Possibly pick up the exercise routine. Winter makes me (possibly everyone) want to become lazy.

Mr. Miami has sent one e-mail in the last two weeks. I'm really not sure how this man thinks. Not that I'll ever understand men. I've went ahead and made plans for my travel weekend(s) without him. To much history to put in writing here. Poor guy, he wants to be with someone, but he just doesn't know how to show affection or speak plainly to the common gal. I have many theories on why that is. Once I type them up, I realize how preposterous they sound. I'm not his "cup of tea"; but I'm glad of that.

For the single group: Do you have a living habit, that you cannot give up, that others would not approve? Recently, with some reflective thought, I realize I'd be hard to live with; mainly because of my living habits.

But, why can't I vacuum at midnight Wednesday while intoxicated?

It Be the Day Mateys

2008-09-19T17:51:00.004-04:00

For those of you who care, it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Nonsensical holiday at its finest. Arrgh, ahoy mateys! Cap’n Jezebell Fancypants to take you Davey Jones’ locker.

Recently, I’ve been wanting sex like I’m never going to have it again. It’s taken hold of my attention span and knocked it in to non-existent. I cannot concentrate on work, driving, television, working out and most anything that involves more than one minute of connected thoughts. It somewhat driving me nuts and as I’ve said before, sex with myself is getting boring.

I will not go out and pick up a stranger (not yet). I have no relationship prospects on the line and not really wanting a relationship either. I’ve enjoyed the single life for my 37 years. There are time like these that I think fondly on some good times with past boyfriends, but generally my inner peace lies with being single. I’m sure I’ll eventually rue those words. But for now… my mantra seems to be “stay solitary.”

Decided to lay low this evening. After Wednesday’s debauchery, I’ve decided once a week extreme drunkeness is aplenty. I am sorely still recuperating from 2 days ago. Dumbass.

I’m going to take it easy this whole weekend. The next two weekends have travel involved and I’m low on funds. I hope to have the roommate’s bathroom finished (sanding/ painting) this weekend.

Friend just got here…Brought snacks! Yaaa hoo! P3 and beer is calling. Have a great weekend.

Cheers

Married men suck proveribal phantum pussy

2008-09-18T00:11:00.004-04:00

meet married guy for drinks. chat up everything and then get to sex life. Mine = non-existent (minus self) and he gets tips on how to make it "exciting" with wife. Ho Hum. Cute, however, I don't mess with married. NEVER. Curse the women who do and curse the younguns who fuck fossils. More on that subject(s) when I'm sober.

I was told (verbatim) "no Canadians for you." I'm cool with that. K3 just non-responsive to just about everything. Okay, I can fuck others that care. You and your 5 year old penis don't deserve my interest. Done (for today).

Been invited to "couples weekend. I always go. Just not feeling it this year. Not mad/ sad/ hurt; just don't wanna go.

Sleep on a couch for sake of better good of animals? I say not. Good girl in me says yes.

Some days just deserve a yes for all.

Rest on Sunday

2008-09-14T23:10:00.003-04:00

So tired today. Much accomplished. I am so sore.

Roommate moved in and PAID rent. Yay!

When it comes to the house, if it seems like an easy job, it is NOT. It comes with 86 years of heartache. But damn it looks good!

Things get scary at night

2008-09-12T17:37:00.004-04:00

I'm guesstimating that I only slept 2 hours last evening. I must have went to bed with work on my mind. I woke up with worries of stupid shit. . . stupid! But here I am, having to be hostess and party like a rock star for a friend's birthday party this weekend. I am feeling ill-prepared and tired. I going to have to power through the tiredness.

New shoes..more new shoes to wear tonight. Yay!

Due to hurricane coverage today, I was remembering my childhood and stories my mother told me about events that happened. This makes me rethink everything I know as my youth. As I grow older, I find more and more events were totally made-up stories. To begin with, they weren't the fun kind of stories either. I am now wanting to initiate an in-depth conversation on with my father to get more real details of my childhood.

I've really never had close connections with any of my family. We're all very independent and happy to see each other when we manage to meet, although it's like going to a work party. Everyone keeps their true self hidden and cuts out early.

My father doesn't have a lot of time left in this world, and I have many relationship regrets. Not that I haven't tried but I have also given up many times. I step back, regroup and then try again. It is a pattern I just noticed recently. I wasted a lot of his/ my time stepping back and regrouping.

Work on hard things when everything else is fabulous. It's a great base to start on.

News day from Hell (aren't they mostly?)

2008-09-11T21:03:00.005-04:00

I caught the end of Oprah today. The show was about "why men cheat." To go along with the horrid statics of approximately 65% of all married men cheat (yes. . .women cheat, too). Along with that, my neighbor was sentenced to jail today for attempting to kill his girlfriend with a machete. Yes, a machete. Within the last few days, there were reports of a murder-suicide of a local, estranged married couple. I read that 1 out of 5 people have herpes (the sexually transmitted strain). Don't get me wrong, shit happens, different circumstances call for different approaches; however, these were conscious choices made to inflict hurt onto another human being. I don't believe I can ever fathom the will of someone making those choices.

News, in general makes me sad. I'd like to see a happy news network. Anyone know of an all happy news network?

Work is getting precarious. The mixture of large egos will be a challenge for me to keep in tune. The only reason I'd attempt this crazy venture is so that I may continue on with this wonderful job I have. And NO, I'm not being sarcastic. Not sure "in tune" was the correct phrase, but I'll need to keep the peace and stand back and watch the fireworks when they happen.

I'm in need of serious sleep. I get paranoid and lazy when I don't get enough sleep.

Tomorrow is going to be a good news day. I feel it.

Hard to get along

2008-09-09T22:43:00.002-04:00

Mr. Miami wants to chat tomorrow evening. After some internet research, I noticed he's been really busy. No excuse for not answering direct questions. I only ask as to know when/ how/ when to plan our weekend. The weekend will be expensive, so I'd like to plan I (tickets, lodging etc.).

Met girlfriends for (much) wine/ cheese this eve. I really love those girls. They are so non-judgemental and drama free. I find it refreshing.

Drama girl outing scheduled for Friday night. Birthday celebration. Somewhat dreading this gig, however, she is a friend and I will strive to look forward and staying positive as to what Friday will bring.

Bit drunk; feeling my wine.

Again, things are going well right now. Work is okay (2/3 hours of total work amassed any given day), house is in good shape, friends and acquaintances abound, yet why do I feel so empty? I've been beating myself up about finances and weight gain. I believe it's all in my head and I can accomplish what I want to do, not necessarily what is exploding within my brain at the moment.

Sex with myself is getting quite boring and this wine stupor is getting old. I'll continue on, as I have been for years, until I discover the new way to exist.

Word to your mother.

Girl Day

2008-09-07T18:23:00.003-04:00

Met a friend today to have brunch and hang out as touristy Richmonder. We intended to go to a museum or gardens or something of the sort. We started out with Strawberry Street brunch. Pretty good, got the touristy thing started .. .and then WHAM! We started drinking and decided being cultured tourists was not in our immediate future. 150 dollars of worthless shopping later, I decided I would have been better walking and giggling through some museum. I bought a fabulous little black dress (don't' all girls need one) that will be useful regardless of how much weight I gain or where I wear it...the thing is just fabulous!

Drinking coffee at 6:30 p.m. to get my motivation on. Go coffee go!

The thought crossed my mind, many times, today to call the parental figure. It is not a chore: I don't know why I haven't done it.

I will work out 3x weekly, call the parent, drink more water, remember my vitamins, be patient, and oh so many other things..... Oh okay, so I mean well, however, the results are never that spectacular with my follow-through.

Planning a week of real work. I have no choice, that result must be favorable.

Ghetto is crazy today. Everyone out on the stoop in their Sunday finest.

I'm going to paint. Later tater.

Some Daze

2008-09-04T20:54:00.004-04:00

The experience of making a rash decision that lasts for months. Everyone knows it, it has happened at least once in your life. The bad haircut/ color. No one's fault except your own. You asked for it, you got it. Well today, it has happened to me. I'm sure it won't be the last time. Things were going well, why'd I have to go stir things up?

I am already thinking of Halloween. My favorite holiday. It has no real religious reason (that I know of), no one is turned away, and generally it's just a fun holiday for anyone who wants to participate. In turn, no one is offended if you decide not to wear a costume or join in the reindeer games. Err...pumpkin games. I am just stumped this year, no ideas for a costume. I've been pondering for a few weeks. Sometimes, such as last year, last minute desperation works out for the best.

Today, many times, I had to keep my big mouth shut. I was really tired of white, middle class, suburban ladies lecturing me on who I should vote for. There was no discussion and sharing of ideas, no questions from anyone, no open-mindedness, no room for new ideas and issues to enter their heads. Same or different candidate, I will not be convinced to vote for someone just because YOU think it is a good idea. If you want to sway my vote preference, set an example. Portray yourself as SMART supporter that knows how/where a candidate stands on issues that are important to you. Next, OMG--interesting idea: factor in issues that don't directly affect you in suburbia, but affect the whole country. Lastly, VOTE.

Yes, these ladies were not registered to vote and didn't plan to do so. Fuck off I say (but didn't).

New roommate on way over to get alarm code and get key. Extra money to pay of hella bills will be richly appreciated.

Better porn: pictures or stories?

Throat Rot

2008-09-02T23:16:00.006-04:00

Arrgh! My throat is on fire and my sinuses are all stuffed up. Meds, Meds I need meds. I've been sitting on my couch since Saturday evening feeling awful.

Laundry still piling up and I'm just dead tired.

Managed to make it to work today to infect everyone else. In the meantime, I worked (seriously) for about 4 hours. I'm so glad this is a short week. Going to the beach with friends this weekend. Much needed relax time.

Not sure if new roommate going to move in or not. Need the cash but oh, how I love my privacy and quiet time. I'll make the effort to call him tomorrow.

I'm in love with the Rock Chick all over again.

How much/ long do you support a friend in a repeated behavior rotten relationship?

Dating = Lying

2008-09-01T09:13:00.005-04:00

So I got off my fat ass and went out Friday night. I walked into the bar and within 3 minutes had the zaniest, oldest crazy guy in the place hitting on me. Make no mistake, this 36 year old is definitely looking to hook up with a wrinkly old prune that has an inner "need" to take care of me. Right? no!

He couldn't understand why I was out all alone. He bought all my drinks and wanted to escort me to another bar. Mind you he said his bedtime was soon. So around 11:30, Mr geezer and I walked across the street to another bar. Oh yes, I had taken the bait. More free drinks. He had this whole concept of me being the damsel in distress. And no matter how many times I told him I was just "out" for the evening, he kept asking if I was "alright?" WTF . . . .

So I got some practice. I played the part. I've done the whole poor little me quite a few times to pick up men. However, that was years ago and I ALWAYS ended up attractng the men I didn't want. Oh yea, we'd date for about 6 months and continually argue about decisions, him being the manly man and such, that I shouldn't make. Like what clothes to wear and what type of car I should buy. Unfortunately, they never offered to buy the car. And even then, why is it their decision? I'm not swimming in money, and never have been, but I make things work. So to get the point, they wanted to control me and my decisions. I will not, as learned from experience, date a controlling man. I will, however, keep my mind open that I don't know everything and someone of my equal might add some good facts to my decision making.

If I need to get laid, I can always pout and play the part of the little girl who's lost her way. But only when I've run out of other options.

I have a date with Mr. Geezer next week.

Should I buy a blue or grey car?

I'm tired of having sex alone

2008-08-29T19:02:00.009-04:00

I've been looking for items to complete my Halloween costume. A quick visit to Diversity Thrift and I'm a happy gal today. So yes, I left work at 2:30 to shop. Everyone else in the place was already gone. Whaa hoo! Early start to a long weekend.

Still no word from Mr. Miami (day 5). Cute, hot sexy married man hitting on me at work keeps my mind in the gutter. Making me second-guess my decision to kick Kermit to the curb. He was good to keep around for sex. He was just weird/ crazy musician. I know better than to date musicians. For that matter, I know better than to date marrieds, canuks, recently separated/ divorced, policemen, or cat fanatics.

So what the hell am I doing home on a Friday night? I have no idea. Maybe I'll go out for a short bit. Where to go? I think I'm too lazy to shower, do hair, and put makeup on.

I do have new shoes to wear and, oh, I love shoes! Oh shit, that would involve toenail painting. More work.

Maybe I'll just go to bed with no dinner or wine (or sex) and get an early start to my projects this weekend.

Typical woman; can't make up my mind.

Actually, I only put in two real hours worth of work everyday

2008-08-28T21:17:00.006-04:00

Today I went to work 2 hours late. It just felt so good to sleep in. I've been feeling like I could jump out of my skin while sitting still. I managed to type up documentation and do real work for a good 2 hours today. My corporate coworkers are driving me nuts. I can't concentrate. And what a sweet little job this has turned out to be. A dream job and I can't seem to apply myself. I don't want to fuck this up.

My mind has been on other things: roommate, money, lack of dating prospects, mid-life.

Mr. Miami is still not sending e-mail to verify if he will be visiting. At what point do short, portly men with a minuscule penis, not jump at the chance to spend the weekend with a hot babe like me?

Decidedly, dinner will be a bottle of wine. So much better than peppermint tea. Wine will make the 4 loads of laundry less bothersome.

The hood is quiet tonight. Gunshots minimal.

Is Anderson Cooper hot? Girfriend concensus says yes. I say no.